Closing the Chapter to Begin Anew

Hello everyone... I know its been  along while since I've posted on here... or anywhere for that matter... But here I am. A lot has happened in the last few years...

I have moved my office... Expanded my practice and realized it is time to close the chapter of SleevePixie and Bariatric Revisionary once and for all.

I have been toying with the idea for a while now and I really miss the day to day interactions with you all and the fun raffles and things i used to do for you all.

So today, I close the door to open a new one!!! Rachel's Comfy Couch... the practice I opened 4 years ago while you all read and cheered is going strong! It has a new home on Long Island and now it's time for a new blog!!

Please dear read friends new and old... Join me at "Tales from the Couch"!
Below you will find the links to the new Facebook page and the new blog.

Rachel's Comfy Couch - Facebook Page
Tales from the Couch

Things you can look forward to on the new blog and page... Therapeutic wisdom and insight from me, funny pictures, recipes, Questions, guest bloggers, and more! Topics will include, Weight Loss Surgery, depression, anxiety, relationship issues, therapy modalities, trauma talk and anything else you ask for :)

I look forward to seeing you there.

xoxo
SleevePixie

Dear Obesity...

Dear Obesity,

There is honestly nothing dear about you... We first met at my birth. I was over 9lbs. Big baby! We continued our "friendship" throughout my childhood. I was cute, chubby, but not yet obese.

You started to rear your ugly head in about 2nd grade. You showed your red flags. I didn't know yet that you would be abusive. It started slowly. At first, you made my peers laugh at me and call me names. You started to isolate me.

Then you made me feel like a ton of bricks when my family couldn't carry me around anymore. They told me I was a big girl. Back then I thought it meant "grown up" but now I know I was wrong. As more time went on you made me feel insecure and weak. You made me think I was the problem. I wasn't... YOU were.

You cheated me. Robbed me of confidence and sense of self. I hid behind many masks as a young kid. Big frumpy clothes was a big defense for me. I hid you because I was ashamed of you. My shame only fed you and made you stronger. You stole away my summers. I never wanted to wear a bathing suit. Even in camp, the pool was torture. I believe everyone was staring at me, mocking me, mocking you...

My family tried to save me from you by sending me to fat camp. It helped in a way. You still controlled my body but I got back my mind. I found the confidence you snatched away from me all those years ago. I no longer looked at the floor when I walked through the crowds at school. I no longer wore baggy clothes and started to try new styles. As hard as I tried to overcome you... I failed... So many times I failed...

Things were a little better in high school. I didn't let you stop me from making friends or playing sports or even the occasional date. But you still continued to make things rough. People still made fun of me. You made me a doormat. I did everything for everyone. I had to work harder to make friends because you made it so hard for people to even want to give me a shot.

At the age of 16 you started to gain control again. Remember, it was the day you stopped me from riding the roller coaster. I gave up a big part of me to you that day. You took my BF next when he told me he no longer found me attractive. You stole my prom away from me. My date was a female friend. You took away my comfort every time I sat down to eat in public, every time I looked at a chair or a booth or a bathroom stall. You robbed me of the freedom of doing all the things my friends did because you instilled in me a fear that told me I couldn't.

The worst came when I met my now ex-husband... thanks a lot for that btw... You robbed my marriage blind for years. You made me wear a machine over my face each night when I went to bed. You stole from me 2502 nights that I could never sleep in his arms. You stole from me... the abilty to cook him dinner and the ability to clean our house. But there was nothing worse then you stealing away my ability to give him a child.

As much as you stole from me, the worst part of it all... I completely let you... Eventually my ex got tired of being robbed and so did I.

I made the decision then and there you wouldn't be allowed to control me anymore. You wouldnt tell me not to walk there, sit in that chair, get on that amusement park ride, talk to that guy, buy that dress, go to the beach or anything else you never allowed me to do. You are no longer allowed to make me feel bad or ugly or shameful. I now know that I am beautiful and worthy of more then you ever allowed me to have. So good bye obesity. I am taking the keys and getting in the drivers seat of my own life. FOR GOOD!!
 
Since I've let you go, I've walked... the Brooklyn Bridge and the runway. I've rode the roller coasters in Las Vegas and Coney Park. I've spoken to that guy... and that one and that one too, while wearing that dress on the beach! With all this new found control over my life... who knows what I'll do next!
 
xoxo
SleevePixie
 

To "Be Drunk" or To "Feel Good"

Happy Monday all! I hope you had a pleasant weekend. I know I have been keeping busy with all the new things I have in the works but I have also been doing a lot of reading on various WLS forums that I am a part of. I know it's been a while since I've blogged but today, I just felt the need to ask a question.

Transfer addiction post weight loss surgery has been a hot topic for sometime now. Possibly years... I have seen it, I had a breif affair with it, I have recovered from it. However, in the past month or so, it seems like all the rage. Between a dear friend of mine, Melting Mama, talking about it on ABC's Nightline to the countless youtube videos you can find on post-ops having alcohol issues to the need for another dear friend of mine, Connie Stapleton, PhD along with her partner Cari De La Cruz, to be hosting a webinar on it.

I just wanted to throw something out there... Many say that they find they "want to drink". Wanting to drink does NOT mean you have a problem with alcohol. It does not make you an alcoholic it doesn't even necessarily mean you have a problem. While I am not justifying behaviors or giving anyone a rational to continue what you may personally feel is an unhealthy behavior in your life, but I have to ask...

Is the desire you have... the desire to "be drunk" or to "feel good"?

There is a major difference. It is completely normal and healthy to want to feel good. As formerly obese people, we have used food for a long time to feel good. Make no mistake about it. There is a chemical transaction occurring in our brain every time we eat carbs and sugar. Our pleasure receptors are triggered and happy hormones released. Food makes our brain happy. We have become so accustomed to feeling happy from outside sources that we may have forgotten or possibly never learned what it means to find happiness from within.

On the other hand, wanting to "be drunk" to "forget" to "quiet emotions" is an unhealthy state to exist in. If these are the feelings you associate with alcohol, or any other substance for that matter, you are heading down a slippery slope that will lead to no where good.

As with anything, I have always said, you must know yourself. Sit down today and think about where your motivations lie. If you truly believe you are in an unhealthy place and on that road to no where good, perhaps it is time to seek help. You are not alone. There are many others who are feeling the exact same way you do. There are anonymous/closed groups on facebook that you can go to for more support. There are groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Narcotics Anonymous (NA) and others in your area you can attend that you may find helpful or you may need more help like a therapist or inpatient, detox or out patient treatment.

You may want to start by attending the webinar mentioned above! For more information on the webinar, check out this video.

If you would like some help finding local support in your area or on facebook, comment below or send me an e-mail at SleevePixie@gmail.com.

You are not alone!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Sin City, A Place of Victory!

It's Monday morning... Just two more nights til I am off to the fabulous Las Vegas also known by many as Sin City. I can only assume it has received its nick name from the various "in your face" taboos. Known for prostitution, gambling, unplanned marriages and alcohol, Vegas is also an amazing place to see shows, eat great food and do things you have never done before!

This will be my second trip to Las Vegas, my first one being last May for the last WLSFA Meet and Greet in 2011. Last May, I was healthy enough to truly enjoy all the wonderful things Vegas has to offer. I was 7 months post my Sleeve and down a significant amount of weight already. I was able to walk up and down the Vegas strip without being in pain and see all the free shows. Mt biggest victory of course was riding the roller coaster at the New York, NY hotel! I hadn't been able to fit in a coaster since I was 16!

So here we are, less then 3 days away from Vegas and I am getting excited for this whole new adventure. This year I am sure a whole new set of victories awaits me. Thursday night I plan on going Zip Lining at Flightlinez on Freemont Street with some of my Bariatric Bad Girls! Zip lining is always something I have wanted to try but never could because I was always over the weight limit. NOT ANYMORE!!! I am also excited nervous ready to bust out my brand new, non plus size bathing suit and catch some sun on Thursday and Friday afternoon. Meet me by the pool and come say HI!

I can only wonder what other adventures this weekend will bring. I know some will be getting tattoos. Others will be catching a show or star watching, as I hear the MGM Awards will be taking place in Vegas on Sunday.

Personally, I am looking forward to seeing old friends, making new ones and having a wonderful and supportive vacation!

Can't wait to see you there!

xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Success Through Failure

"You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space." - Johnny Cash


I read this on my facebook news feed today and immediately thought it's time to blog!

With so many revision surgeries being done these days, many patients going through this, experience an unbelievable amount of guilt and tremendous feelings of failure.

I can and have definitely shared my feelings of failure when after 2.5 years after my Lap-Band I had only lost 27lbs. In all honesty and fairness, I had really lost 57lbs but after all the throwing up I experienced, my body held onto 30lbs worth of everything I put in my mouth the two months after my band was removed.

We all turned to Weight Loss Surgery as a last resort. One final effort to lose the weight and get healthy and at our LAST RESORT, we failed AGAIN!! If you have gone through this you know exactly the feelings I am talking about.

These feelings also keep many WLS patients from seeking the help they need from their doctors when it is probably needed the most. Remember those feelings of empowerment you felt when you started your first steps towards surgery? The feelings of control you had as you were finally going to take the reins of your life and control the direction of your future? Those positive feelings can be hard to get back the second time around. Trust me... I know...

This quote is exactly the mindset we should have. Don't dwell on the failure. Use it as a stepping stone. Figure out what went wrong the first time and do it right the next time around. If that means getting more educated, do it! If that means getting into therapy, do it! It may mean working out or being more mindful of the things you eat... Whatever it is, do it!

To your success!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

The Moment I have Been Waiting For!!!

My weight                                   His Weight

 The day has finally arrived! After 7+ years of being together and 3.5 years post my first Weight Loss Surgery, I FINALLY  WEIGH LESS THAN THE MISTER!!

I can't describe this feeling. It's amazing! I feel feminine and beautiful and SMALL. It feels like a sense of order has been restored or brought into my world. Today is a super happy day! What makes your day today happy?

xoxo,

Sleeve Pixie

I'm No Beauty Queen, I'm Just Beautiful ME!

"You made me insecure
Told me I wasn't good enough
But who are you to judge
When you're a diamond in the rough
I'm sure you got some things
You'd like to change about yourself
But when it comes to me
I wouldn't want to be anybody else

It's such a funny thing
How nothing's funny when it's you
You tell 'em what you mean
But they keep whiting out the truth"

                  ~Selena Gomez 

                      (Who Says) 

The last two weeks, I have learned so much. Things about me, things I need to change or work on. Hey, no one is perfect right? I am always open to constructive criticism. I am and have always been open and honest with myself and others, perhaps to a fault. Perhaps I have given over too much, trusted too freely. I have to start treating myself like one of my patients.... the strictest of confidentiality. 

I have learned of deception, lies and backstabbing within this community. It makes me sad. But in the last few days, it has really hit home! Two weeks ago, it all started, a miscommunication, a misconception between friends. That's over now and someone else has used the fuel from it's fire. Some one close. THAT hurts. 

Careers have been affected. My career has been affected. Some of my friends have been hit, HARD! It's just not fair. I feel like I am between a rock and hard place personally. Here I am... a professional, a social worker, a helper and a post-op, but what I am even more so than all of those things put together is HUMAN.  A young human at that. 

Someone, I don't know who, sent an anonymous e-mail to my surgeon telling him he should look at my personal facebook. He looked. The whole office saw and he came to me about it. I have never been so mortified in my entire life! My private life, out there in the open now forever mixed in with my professional life. I feel betrayed. My facebook profile is on lock down. NO ONE can see it if they are not friends with me. I made the mistake of letting in one of his staff members. So what was so horrible that I did, that he saw... 

He saw a check-in to Applebee's restaurant in which I proclaimed I'd be having a margarita. He saw two pictures that I was tagged in of me being silly with my girlfriends who came in from out of town to see me and attend a WLS event. He saw me say I had bought a shot glass in the airport in Vegas. I have been collecting shot glasses with my husband since our honeymoon. He may have even seen my pictures from my week in Las Vegas. One in particular where I had a drink in each hand (one of which was not mine) in front of the Treasure Island Hotel. Perhaps he saw the picture I took in front of Margaritaville. Yep, it has been a running joke between my friends that tequila is my drink of choice. They post pics and videos and all sorts of silly things. Lastly, he may have seen the check in at serendipity in which my caption was, "I think I found my dumping ground!" I was in Vegas for a post-op meet and greet. All of this happened after the meet and greet with a post-op friend of mine. I didn't even walk into Serendipity because I knew there was nothing for me there and yes I punned off of "dumping syndrome" on my caption. So what really did my surgeon see. He saw me enjoying my life as a 20-something. Having a drink with some girlfriends and being a normal 26 year old. 

What he didn't see... I walked the Las Vegas strip 4 times in two days. That is 2.5 miles each way. I walked the Vegas Strip 4 times without being in pain, without having to stop and catch my breath, without asking my friends to slow down and wait for me. What he didn't see is I rode the roller coaster at the New York, New York hotel! He didn't comment on the fact that I wrote in sheer excitement that I FIT into a roller coaster for the first time in over 10 years! He didn't see the posts stating I walked over 12,000 steps almost every day I was in Vegas. He didn't see all the amazing things that I take to be a gift he gave me when he performed my surgery 7 months ago. That man gave me my 20s back and all he saw was the things I did that may not align with perfect post-op values or perfect professionalism. 

I will be 26 years old on June 2. I am a normal 26 year old who enjoys going out and being 26. I have a drink or two once in a while. I have fun with my girl friends on occasion. I dance like no one is watching. I am confident and I walk like I am worth a million bucks. Why? Because I am! Those of you who know me, know I am not conceited at all. Many tell me I don't think highly enough of myself, especially on a professional level. I suppose that will come with time though. 

I LOVE my work. I LOVE this community. I would do anything ANYTHING to better it. But I cannot and will not give up my life for it. I left the conversation mortified. I left feeling attacked and judged. I have been a mess for two days now! I have to let it go. My only hope is that other's both professional and not will be able to see me for who I am and not expect me to be someone else. While I agree that I may need to pull in the reins and may need to not give so much away on facebook, and I will work on that, I truly believe that being a post op is about getting your life back and living it to the fullest. For some that is running a marathon or climbing a mountain or wearing that size or seeing that number on the scale. For me, it's about walking the Vegas Strip 4 times in zero pain. 

Thank you for my life back! It is a gift! One I truly cherish! 

I hope each one of my readers will take their gift and live their life in a healthy balanced manner and make sure to never let those moments, those NSVs pass you by!

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie

NYC - MY Walk from Obesity!

This weekend I invited myself to "Obesity Online", an invite only conference for WLS bloggers and vloggers. The conf was held at the Mondrian hotel in SoHo, NYC. While the conference was a room full of 20ish social media moguls, most of whom I knew in one form or another, I am not going to write about that in depth.

The things that happened outside of the conference are what matter to me. The people, the support, the community are the reasons I pushed to be at the conference.

The conference featured some of the higher-ups in the WLS professional circle. Joe Nadglowski, President of the OAC, Robin Blackstone, MD, President Elect of the ASMBS, and Melissa Lierman, a social media expert! We spent the day talking about obesity, advocacy, surgeries, social media and had a few debates along the way.

After the conference some of my friends and I walked around the city. We ate, we laughed, we got lost and found all in one day! I walked more this past weekend then I have in the last two weeks combined! The most amazing and meaningful part of this weekend for me was Yesterday... Every part of my day was both fun and meaningful.

We started our day off with a windy walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. When the cab dropped us off at the entrance on the Manhattan side, I felt both excitement and panic at the thought of this adventure. I didn't know if I was going to make it all the way across but I was excited to try. Then the panic set in and I was afraid if I got stuck half way through, there was no way out. I feared getting stuck and being in pain like I would have been just months ago.

Half way through the bridge!

The support I got from my friends, who promised me they would walk slow and not leave me hanging and push my from behind if needed was amazing! They were my cheer leaders the whole way through. The walk was actually quite easy. I didn't HAVE TO stop to catch my breathe or sit down because I hurt. We had so much fun! We took pics of buildings and graffiti and each other and just had a blast!

When I reached Brooklyn, I couldn't believe it! I DID IT! I walked the Brooklyn Bridge! 1.13 miles and we didn't stop there! We walked to Grimaldi's Pizza Place to find them closed then continued walking to Bubby's for Brunch.

After brunch we hopped the subway back to Manhattan. Another NSV! I didn't have to walk through the turn-style sideways, for the first time in 10 years!! I was amazed and on cloud 9! I think I still am! The walk continued....

Next a few of us headed over to the Museum of Sex! What fun we had!! I walked through 3 floors of exhibits, took pictures and had fun in the goody shop! Walking on...

Next, 24 hour fitness for some protein shake yumminess! I got a strawberry banana smoothie with some whey protein and man was it AMAZING! When we left there I had already walked over 4 miles and over 10,500 steps! It was only 4pm! The last leg...

We headed back to the hotel to hang out and say our goodbyes. At the end of MY Walk... I got the most amazing prize... My life! It's not promised for forever but yesterday I grabbed it by the balls!

xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Long Island's FIRST Medical and Surgical Weight Loss Expo!!!

Join us for the Medical & Surgical Weight Loss Expo!

Free if you pre-register!! Register online at

http://www.newyorkbariatrics.com/Expo/
Don't forget to tell them RACHEL LEBOWITZ sent you!!

If you are interested in losing weight, considering weight loss surgery or have had surgery—The Expo is a must attend! Focusing on a total body solution - the presenters, exhibitors and demonstrators include products and services which will help you get on or stay on track for a new and healthier you!

Throughout the day, two seminar tracks will be presented by medical professionals who are dedicated to making a difference in helping New Yorkers with discussions on healthcare issues commonly associated with obesity. Exhibitors will include weight loss products and services, post-operative products, healthcare screenings, fitness and cooking demonstrations and a gala fashion show!

Take Back Your Life. Take Back Your Health.

Register Today! Register online at http://www.newyorkbariatrics.com/Expo/
Don't forget to tell them RACHEL LEBOWITZ sent you!!

50+ Medical Professional Exhibitors
Healthcare Screenings
Cooking Lighter Demonstrations
Fitness Demonstrations
Gala Fashion Show
Nutritional & Weight Loss Exhibitors
Post-Operative Support Exhibitors
Free Weight Loss Product Samples
Prizes, Music & Giveaways and more
ALL DAY EDUCATIONAL SEMINARS BY MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS

Weight Loss Educational Seminars
Weight Loss Surgery and Revisional Seminars
Post-Operative Seminars (including plastic surgery, staying on track)
DON’T MISS LONG ISLAND’S FIRST MEDICAL & SURGICAL WEIGHT LOSS EXPO!

Date: Saturday, May 21, 2011
Place: Uniondale Marriott, Long Island New York
Time: 10.00 AM - 4.00 PM

FREE ADMISSION FOR THOSE WHO REGISTER BEFORE THE EVENT!
Register online at http://www.newyorkbariatrics.com/Expo/
Don't forget to tell them RACHEL LEBOWITZ sent you!!
$5.00 Admission the day of the event.

Have a question on the event? Email us (expoquestion@newyorkbariatrics.com)

For information on exhibiting, please contact Lisa at 516.662.1762 or email
(exhibits@newyorkbariatrics.com)

Is Half Way to Nowhere Still Half Way?

Is half way to nowhere still half way? What a question huh? Well here is what prompted today's post... I posted on Monday on my Sleeve Pixie page on Facebook that I just realized I now have lost more than I have to lose.. So I have officially passed the "half way" mark with regard to my weight loss. While this is an amazing accomplishment and i do not want to diminish my success in any way shape or form, the words half way started to get to me.

There has been a lot of talk in out community about regain and maintenance lately and many people do struggle to maintain their loss. Regain is a harsh reality for us and something everyone will face. Your regain may be a as little as a pound or as much as everything you have lost, plus some.

Maintenance is not a goal, or destination on this weight loss journey, it is merely just a service station along the highway of life. So from here I ask again... is half way to nowhere, still half way?

While generally this is the time where i give you some advice, words of wisdom, answer to the question etc., today I am not going to. Like everything else I believe you have to decide what the best answer is for yourself! So friends, tell me!

xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Me? Bad-Ass?

Last night, I had a heart to heart with a good friend of mine about my recent struggles and frustrations. He told me, "You are a magical person and I love your 're-vision' article and your blog. You have the capacity to be a POWER-house".

He was totally right. I had forgotten for a moment, even if only a brief one, what I was doing. I fell to the back of the line because I was too tired of pushing to the front. I was ready to give up and again admit defeat. That is the self saboteur in me.. She figures out how to pick the lock on her cage every now and again no matter what I do to keep her at bay. As I sat there talking to my friend, I found myself complaining about my life, my situation my DRAMA.

Then he said something to me that I don't even think he knows meant much of anything to me. He said, remember "it's only temporary!"

Huh? What do you mean it's only temporary?? It's RIGHT NOW!! I hate this situation RIGHT NOW!! I don' care that it will not be the case in 10 minutes or 10 days or even 10 months, but RIGHT NOW I am struggling... Then it hit me... like a ton of bricks... This is the addict in me talking!! This impulsive I want it and I want it NOW behavior and way of thinking is the addict in me coming out to rear its ugly head.. I have been working so hard on the abstinence of the drug of my choosing (food) that I have over looked the addict within me and she has been waiting silently for the right moment, the right opportunity to strike!

Perhaps one may even call it a transfer of addictions... I can no longer use food to cover up my feelings so now I cling to anger, depression, drama, the thrill of the fight, the choosing of the sides, the win, the kill, the BULL! I have to stop! I have to refocus and retrain the little me who is still an addict and perhaps always will be.  I have to learn to change my ways of coping with... whatever the RIGHT NOW is.

Now I will be the first to admit, this is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Change your essence. Everything about you and your life has fostered and nourished the addict in you. From your enablers to your self sabotaging behaviors. I admire you for even taking the first step on this long hard journey. But I promise the end more than justifies the means!

It was suggested last night that I make a list of all the "bad-ass" things about me... I started to think... I am going to tell the world about my bad-assness lol Blogspot here I come and watch out! Then I thought... hmmm... What is bad-ass about me?

Do you know whats bad-ass about you?? Well let me start you off... You are currently reading my blog. I think that is pretty darn bad-ass if I do say so myself :-) Now you finish! Make a list of what is bad ass about you!! Put in a journal, on a blog, leave it in my comments below if you want to. But you should know what is bad-ass about yourself. So here is my list.... My friend started me off by telling me being an LMSW (Licensed Master Social Worker). is pretty bad ass bad-ass...

In case you are having some trouble with your list... Let me define BAD-ASS for you!

BAD-ASS
1. adjective. having extremely favorable qualities
2. adjective. pertaining to a person or thing that is rugged, strong, and/or ready to show these qualities
3. noun. person who is perceived to have the qualities in definition 2
What Makes Me A Bad-Ass!

1. I am an LMSW 
2. I am an OH SGL
3. I am a "Revision"ary
4. I can go over an hour on the elliptical
5. I am 296.4lbs as of this morning! 
6. I write a pretty bad-ass blog!
7. I am beautiful inside and out.
8. I am sexy and desirable.
9. I have integrity.
10. I am open, honest, empathetic and welcoming to all.
11. I am a giver.
12. I can have a drink with the boys and put on make-up with the girls
13. I have a great sense of self confidence and self worth
14. I have a group of bad-ass friends that love me unconditionally! 
15. I met the man of my dreams
16. I married the man of my dreams
17. I am on the path to live up to my greatest potential
18. I take full advantage of my opportunities
19. I take risks
20. I have unbelievable insight into myself.

If I sat here for a few more hours I can definitely come up with a much better list but for now 20 will have to do. I will write this list on paper and keep it somewhere that I can add to it as things pop into my head or happen. How is your list shaping up?

Remember we are all bad-ass in one way or another!
in love and support
Sleeve Pixie

Thought for Today...

Thought for today! When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
~Helen Keller


In life there are many doors we must go through, usually blindly... We don't always know what lies beyond the doorway. Life is really nothing more than a series of rooms. The meat of life is who we share those rooms with and how we rearrange the furniture. 


How have you arranged the furniture in the room you are in now? (I don't mean this literally by the way)

Twoderville: Extremely Obese!!

I MADE IT! I will NEVER see a 3 at the beginning of my weight EVER again!!!

Today I went to my surgeon for my 3 month post op check-up. When I walked into the office all the staff ooh'd and aaah'd at my weight loss. I was so nervous yet so excited to get on the scale. I realized that my scale has been broken for about a week now so I had no clue what I weighed. The big question was looming over my head... Had I broke the 300 mark and entered twoderville?

As I got on the scale my heart was pounding... I was preparing my self for the disappointment of still being over 300lbs as I watched the numbers... 305, 290, 300, 298, 299, 299.6, 299.5... and it stopped... I screamed!! My surgeon came running in to see what the commotion was. He opened the door and said, "Why are you yelling? What's going on?" So I screamed back at him "299!!!!!!" He laughed at me and walked out. Apparently the whole office heard me scream because as I walked out everyone asked me if I was ok. haha. I was in shock! I couldn't believe it!!

Next I had to see the surgeon... he looked over my chart and blood work and asked me how much I weighed  when I first started seeing him. 364, I told him. He was very happy with my progress. Then he said... NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, I WANT TO SEE 199. I seriously thought he was joking. I asked him if I would have to wait a year for my next appointment. to which he replied... No... 6 months from now you are going to be 199.

WHAT! Let me reprocess that... 6 months from today, 180 days from now, you expect me to lose 100lbs... be in ONEDERLAND??? NO FUCKING WAY!!! Then the fear set in....

As I left the appointment and text messaged everyone I know, I kept hearing it... 6 months... 100lbs.... 6 months 100lbs.... 6 months ONEDERLAND!!! Then came the next thought... Ok what can I eat right now...

Why does this happen to me? I am successful, then I want to eat carbs and fat... I will tell you why... The thought of success scares the living daylights out of me. The thought that this surgery might actually work and I might actually be able to reach 199lbs and have a baby and get a job scares the crap out of me. So I do what any normal person does... I sabotage myself.

Thankfully, I caught myself starting to travel down this all too familiar road early on. I caught myself before I was able to get a hold on the carbs and fat I was going to use to demolish my success. I promised myself that just for today I won't sabotage and see how it feels... I am still scared. I'm not gonna lie... I'm petrified of being successful. As I'm typing, I wonder if that success is what makes some of us go crazy. But that is a whole different topic. Maybe I will hot on that tomorrow...

For now I am going to stay focused on being successful. I am going to face my fears head on and see how it feels. I have a feeling I'm gonna like it!

To our success!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie