Success Through Failure

"You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space." - Johnny Cash


I read this on my facebook news feed today and immediately thought it's time to blog!

With so many revision surgeries being done these days, many patients going through this, experience an unbelievable amount of guilt and tremendous feelings of failure.

I can and have definitely shared my feelings of failure when after 2.5 years after my Lap-Band I had only lost 27lbs. In all honesty and fairness, I had really lost 57lbs but after all the throwing up I experienced, my body held onto 30lbs worth of everything I put in my mouth the two months after my band was removed.

We all turned to Weight Loss Surgery as a last resort. One final effort to lose the weight and get healthy and at our LAST RESORT, we failed AGAIN!! If you have gone through this you know exactly the feelings I am talking about.

These feelings also keep many WLS patients from seeking the help they need from their doctors when it is probably needed the most. Remember those feelings of empowerment you felt when you started your first steps towards surgery? The feelings of control you had as you were finally going to take the reins of your life and control the direction of your future? Those positive feelings can be hard to get back the second time around. Trust me... I know...

This quote is exactly the mindset we should have. Don't dwell on the failure. Use it as a stepping stone. Figure out what went wrong the first time and do it right the next time around. If that means getting more educated, do it! If that means getting into therapy, do it! It may mean working out or being more mindful of the things you eat... Whatever it is, do it!

To your success!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Things To Do Instead Of Eating!

Have you ever been so bored all you could do was think about food? Ever wish those thoughts would just go away!

Well here is a list of 60 things you can do to take your mind off of food!

1. Call a friend, your sponsor, a support person, anyone who you can talk to who will either get your mind off of food, or someone to talk to about whatever it is that you might be feeling.

2. Go for a brisk walk

3. Meditate or listen to a hypnosis or guided visualization download.

4. Give yourself a manicure/pedicure– can’t binge with wet nails.

5. Volunteer at the ASPCA to walk dogs or pet cats.

6. Watch a funny movie at home.

7. Take a shower, give yourself a hot oil treatment, shave your legs, tweeze your brows– self care time.

8.) Get organized sort out your bills, create a budget– organize your home. Often getting organized can help you feel more in control and enable you to thwart a binge, which can often feel very out of control.

9. Draw, paint or color.

10. Knit, crochet or do needlepoint

11. Take a nap

12. Get out of your house and into your car, go to the beach, the lake, the park… somewhere pretty and relaxing.

13. Clean out your closet, donate your old clothes or sell them on eBay.

14. Read a good book.

15. Put on music and dance it out. Go out dancing. Call your friends over and have a dance party.

16. Go to the gym. Stretch, go to a yoga class, do a yoga DVD or an exercise or yoga class on On Demand cable. Move! Do jumping jacks, run in place, anything to move a little energy and release some tension.

17. Take a relaxing bath with nice bath salts or essential oils.

18. Write in your journal

19. Scream into a pillow.

20. Go to an OA or EDA meeting, either online, in person, or on the phone.

21. Go to an online support forum with other people dealing with eating issues. www.obesityhelp.com www.facebook.com (The LIOS group, many other supportive groups for WLS on fb)

22. Read a magazine

23. Write a blog! Read a blog!

24. Chat with friends on facebook or update your facebook profile. Twitter!

25. Sing!

26. Get your hair done or do your own hair. Experiment with different styles, curling iron, flat iron, curlers, etc.

27. Make cards for people, catch up on Thank You notes, send out notes to relatives you haven’t spoken to or seen in a long time. Not the ones that stress you out and make you want to reach for your old friends Ben and Jerry.

28. Go out and take photos.

29. Play video games or facebook games

30. Write and direct a short play with stuffed animals or Barbie dolls or action figures or your pets or sock puppets and videotape it to put on youtube.

31. Smell lavender

32. Pick flowers

33. Garden

34. Create a collage

35. Go bowling, play pool, play golf or miniature golf, play basketball, hit tennis balls, go to a batting cage, go for a swim.

36. Scrapbook

37. Write an angry letter to whomever you are holding anger at. You don’t have to send it, just let it out. Afterwards, put it somewhere safe. You might let go of some emotions that you’d been stuffing and you might find that you no longer have the urge to binge.

38. Go through old pictures

39. Cuddle with your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, daughter, son, cat, dog, teddy bear, etc.

40. Do karaoke, you can either go out to do it, or do it at home with friends.

41. Play music! If you play an instrument, whip it out and start playing. If not, teach yourself to play one. Beat on some bongos, ping a triangle, strum a guitar, whatever is convenient to you. If nothing, make an instrument out of household objects and play it.

42. Catch up on your emails

43. Learn a new language!

44. Write a letter to your future self, about what you’re going through right now.

45. Write some notes with positive messages and post them around your home or get out of the house and put them up in dressing rooms, public restroom mirrors, restaurants, etc

46. Make a list of why you rock. Think about what’s great about you. Can’t think of those things? Call someone who loves you and ask them to tell you.

47. Light candles and incense and relax

48. Explore your neighborhood or town. Go to local museums or art galleries.

49. Call a friend or relative who has been unhappy lately and needing some support. Sometimes giving support can be incredibly heartening and also supports the supporter.

50. Use crayons to color hard! This can release tension.

51. Search through your couch and house for change! Put everything you can in a jar and put it aside to start a fund for yourself as a motivator in your journey. Every time you reach a milestone, you can buy yourself something fun, like a new pair of shoes, or some jewelry or new CD, or whatever you like within reason.

52. Roll on your back. This is a spinal massage that helps you to feel relaxed and rejuvenated.

53. Read positive affirmations.

54. Write out your intentions or personal goals for yourself for the week. Write out both long term and short term goals- things that you are striving for and ways to help you get there.

55. Throw a temper tantrum! Go into your bedroom, lay on your stomach in your bed and scream into your pillow while you kick your legs and punch your hands into the bed. Ever see kids do this? They expend all that energy and it moves right through them. As adults, we can’t really do this and lots of anger and pain winds up feeling stuck in the body. We often try to stuff that down with food and for some, get rid of it by purging.

56. Make jewelry out of household items or beads or coins.

57. You can also take that old clothing, especially those that are significant to your pre-op days, and cut it up into squares and make a “recovery quilt.”

58. Do a home makeover! Rearrange your furniture; get rid of things that you no longer want– sell them on eBay! Put up some curtains; just make things pretty for yourself.

59. Do volunteer work.

60. Write a novel, short story, or poetry.


If you can think of any others to add please post below!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Is Food Really the WORST Addiction?

Before I start writing, I have to say that I have been thinking this over for a few days now, pondering whether or not I should even make this post. Someone of you will not like hearing this, but you know what? That's ok!

There has been a lot of talk in the recent weeks about this concept of "food addiction". The peak of the discussion was when Dr. Robin Blackstone, the upcoming President Elect of the American Society of Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery (ASMBS), pronounced, out loud to a room of 20+ bariatric bloggers that there is no such thing as FOOD ADDICTION!

Yep you heard it right... NO SUCH THING AS FOOD ADDICTION.

Now of course me with my big mouth was the first to get up and refute her statement. I am a food addict so how can you tell me there is no such thing! There is medical EVIDENCE and even RESEARCH out there Dr. Blackstone! If you have any interest in that research, you can find it on a previous blog post here.

The truth of the matter is this... She was right! Yep, I said it. Dr. Blackstone was right! I will explain why in just a moment.

Then there is another point, the actual reason I sat down to write this post. If I had a penny for every time I heard a weight loss surgery patient say to a social worker, doctor etc etc, "You don't understand! We have the worst addiction of all! An alcoholic CAN CHOOSE to never drink again, a crackhead CAN CHOOSE to put down the pipe but we HAVE TO EAT every single day! MORE THAN ONCE A DAY!"

Here lies my issue. This is the reason I am writing this post without caring what you think of me afterwards. We NEED to change this mentality. We NEED to get off of denial highway. We need to stop using this thought process as a way to rationalize our compulsive eating behaviors/habits.

The reason I say I agree with Dr. Blackstone is this... When was the last time you met a person who had to have a piece of broccoli every single time they got upset? I don't know a single one and I know A LOT of  self proclaimed "food addicts"! If you read any of the research on food addiction or even my last blog post on food addiction which breaks down the bodies addiction to CERTAIN types of food then you see where I am going with this.

SUGAR, SIMPLE CARBOHYDRATES and CHOCOLATE are the only three food types that cause any type of physical addiction. Think of the foods that you tend to run to when you need a fix? Donuts, bread, candy, chocolate... right?

Therefore... the appropriate term would not be FOOD addict, but Sugar Addict or Carb Addict or Chocolate Addict. Maybe you are one of the above or perhaps you have a poly substance dependency issue.

Now that you have realized you are not addicted to FOOD but only certain types of food, the same rules, as all other addictions apply.

You CAN CHOOSE to abstain, for the rest of your life, from chocolate, sugar and simple carbs. It's not easy by any means whatsoever but if you ask an alcoholic if it's easy to abstain from booze, I am willing to bet money that you will find you both have similar feelings about your situations.

Our worlds revolve around food, all the bad foods in the world. All the ones we are physically addicted to, but guess what... the alcoholics world, before he hit his rock bottom and decided to stop drinking, also revolved around his addiction. They say, people places and things... Gotta change em. An alcoholic can't hang out at the bar anymore and you, the sugar/carb/chocolate addict can't hang out in the cupcakery!

So when you are ready to beat this thing, there are groups out there that can help you. We may not be able to step into a local rehab for detox but there are ranches if you can afford it. There are therapists, 12 step meetings and bariatric support groups that can help you. Below are some resources.

Food Addicts Anonymous
Overeater's Anonymous
Bariatric Support Groups
Rachel's Comfy Couch
Mind Body Health Services
Stein Wellness

Please know, you may not succeed at first and relapse is part of recovery. In order for a baby to learn to walk, it must fall a few times to build up the necessary leg muscles to walk. Recovery is possible!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Is Food an Addiction?

The Diagnostics and Statistical Manual (DSM IV-tr) lists a few levels of what we have come to know as addiction. Substance ABUSE and DEPENDENCY…  

The criteria for substance abuse as listed in the DSM IV-tr is... 

A maladaptive pattern of abuse leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by one or more of the following, occurring within a 12-month period:

1. Recurrent use resulting in failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home.
2. Recurrent use in situations in which it is physically hazardous. 
3. Recurrent related legal problems.
4. Continued use despite persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of the substance.
5. These symptoms must never have met the criteria for substance dependence.

Ok so I can easily stretch food to fit into the above description of substance abuse… I say STRETCH because realistically, most of these wont happen to a foodie. Perhaps we may meet the criteria in Number 4 but I am willing to bet that most if not ALL of us can cancel out Food ABUSE because we meet the Criteria for dependence. 

The criterion for Substance DEPENDENCE however, I don’t need to stretch at all to fit. The criteria for substance dependence as listed in the DSM IV-tr is...

A maladaptive pattern of use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three or more of the following seven criteria, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

1. Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
1. A need for markedly increased amounts to achieve intoxication or desired effect. (check)
2. Markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of substance. (When I was little I ate a cookie, pre-op I ate a whole damn box!)
2. Withdrawal, as defined by either of the following:
1. The characteristic withdrawal syndrome… Substance is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms. (Check: I know I am a bitch when carb detoxing and even worse when sugar detoxing)
3. Substance is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended. (Check)
4. There is a persistent desire or there are unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control substance use. (CHECK!! Every failed diet in the last 15 yrs!)
5. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain substance, use substance or recover from its effects. (Check! How many of us have spent countless hours thinking about whats for lunch, where we are going to go out to eat, what we will eat when we get there and how we will burn off the meal afterwards)
6. Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of substance use. (Check: I know I didn't want to be seen at certain social functions at 391lbs. The clothing selection was limited, what would people think, would I be able to walk there from the car etc... etc…)
7. Substance use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance (Check! So many of us continue our negative eating patterns knowing we may die from our high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes etc etc)

Ok so just saying, to qualify as substance dependence, you need 3!!! I got ALL 7!!!! How many did you get??

**The criteria above was taken word for word as the criterion for Alcohol.

So are you convinced yet that food is an addiction? No of course you aren't! You want the SCIENTIFIC PROOF! Ok Ok. As always I come prepared! I am sure you have heard me rant about this before. Research shows that carbohydrates and sugar react with the same neuron receptors as OPIATES! Opiates are drugs like:

• Opium
• Morphine
• Codeine
• Heroin

Don't believe me... read it for yourself HERE and HERE. And here are a few quotes from a a few studies I have used in the past. I cannot link to because I got it through my Adelphi Library. But you can find the study if you would like to pay for it. 

Research done by Bruinsma and Taren (1999), shows that, chocolate may evoke similar psychopharmacologic and behavioral reactions in susceptible persons as opiates. A review of the literature on chocolate cravings indicates that the hedonic appeal of chocolate (fat, sugar, texture, and aroma) is likely to be a predominant factor in such cravings. Other characteristics of chocolate, however, may be equally as important contributors to the phenomena of chocolate cravings. Chocolate may be used by some as a form of self-medication for dietary deficiencies (eg, magnesium) or to balance low levels of neurotransmitters involved in the regulation of mood, food intake, and compulsive behaviors (eg, serotonin and dopamine). Chocolate cravings are often episodic and fluctuate with hormonal changes just before and during the menses, which suggests a hormonal link and confirms the assumed gender-specific nature of chocolate cravings. (p. 1249) Another interesting finding on Chocolate suggests that addiction for chocolate may stem from the same receptors in the brain as opiates. Naloxone, found in chocolate attaches to opiate receptors in the brain. “Endogenous opiates, are involved in drug addictions and are responsible for the body's response to pleasure, stress, and pain. A study investigating this hypothesis found that infusions into rats of the opiate antagonist naloxone diminished taste preferences for high-fat and sweet foods and selectively suppressed consumption of these foods; in contrast, rats infused with morphine, an opiate agonist, increased their fat intake.”

** Bruinsma, K., & Taren, D. L. (1999). Chocolate: Food or Drug? Journal of the American Dietetic Association, 9

Avena, Rada, and Hoebe (2008), shows that intermittent sugar access also acts by way of opioids in the brain. There are changes in opioid systems such as decreased enkephalin mRNA expression in the accumbens. Signs of withdrawal seem to be largely due to the opioid modifications since withdrawal can be obtained with the opioid antagonist naloxone.(p.887)

**Avena, N. M., Rada, P., & Hoebel, B. G. (2008). Evidence for sugar addiction: Behavioral and neurochemical effects of intermittent, excessive sugar intake. Neurosci Biobehav Rev, 32(1), 20-39.

Withdrawal symptoms of opiates include:

• Agitation
• Anxiety
• Muscle aches
• Increased tearing
• Insomnia
• Runny nose
• Sweating
• Abdominal cramping
• Diarrhea
• Dilated pupils
• Goose bumps
• Nausea
• Vomiting

Which ones do you get? I get Anxiety and Agitation big time. But I have also had the Muscle Aches and Diarrhea. We are not created equal. 

So how about now... I have given you solid evidence and research to back my claim that food IS an addiction... What are your thoughts?

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie

I am NOT a Garbage Can!

Ah The Garbage can weight lifting... The ultimate oxymoron! I heard this from a friend of mine yesterday at a support group and I had to share it.

We were discussing the angst about turning in our "Clean Your Plate" club membership cards and one women spoke up and shared.

I hate to waste food. It is such a shame to throw food into the garbage. But I have come to realize, for so many years I have treated myself as the garbage. 

What a powerful sentiment. did we not all do this at one point in our lives. We gave more respect to the garbage can! We can't throw food away so out of respect we throw the food away in ourselves. We become the garbage can!

Now that we have had our WLS or are about to, or even if you have no intention of ever having WLS, treat yourself better than garbage. You deserve it! No more eating food because you don't want to throw it away. If you are that concerned put it back in the fridge and eat it later. It is ok to say, no more food! My body has had enough. Treat yourself and your body with more respect that your garbage can!

xoxo,
Sleeve Pixie

Is Half Way to Nowhere Still Half Way?

Is half way to nowhere still half way? What a question huh? Well here is what prompted today's post... I posted on Monday on my Sleeve Pixie page on Facebook that I just realized I now have lost more than I have to lose.. So I have officially passed the "half way" mark with regard to my weight loss. While this is an amazing accomplishment and i do not want to diminish my success in any way shape or form, the words half way started to get to me.

There has been a lot of talk in out community about regain and maintenance lately and many people do struggle to maintain their loss. Regain is a harsh reality for us and something everyone will face. Your regain may be a as little as a pound or as much as everything you have lost, plus some.

Maintenance is not a goal, or destination on this weight loss journey, it is merely just a service station along the highway of life. So from here I ask again... is half way to nowhere, still half way?

While generally this is the time where i give you some advice, words of wisdom, answer to the question etc., today I am not going to. Like everything else I believe you have to decide what the best answer is for yourself! So friends, tell me!

xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Life is a Highway... the Start of Road Trip Month!

I wanna ride it, ALL NIGHT LONG! Just got home late last night from a mini road trip with Beth (Melting Mama). I had sooo much fun! Friday morning I started off bright and early by getting my car fixed and my coffee fix :-) I was awaiting the green light to hear that Beth was feeling well enough to have some fun!

At 9:29am I got the ding on my CrackBerry. A message from Beth, "All Done. Come Play!" I finished packing jumped in the shower and left the house around 11am. On the road again... The drive was quick. I had my ipod blaring, the windows down my GPS on and away I went. Found myself some food along the way at one of the rest areas which I proceeded to eat while driving because I didn't want to waste any time... Well, wouldn't ya know... Dumping and driving is soooooo not a fun experience. Thankfully the feeling came and went pretty quickly... With my band it used to be that I was afraid to eat and drive because it almost surely meant stopping on the shoulder of the highway to hurl. Well, now the food stays down, which is nice but Dumping and Driving should be illegal!

4 hours later and 1 wrong turn, I found the Casa De Mr and Mrs. MM.

When Beth saw me she said, "OMG you so skinny!" and she was actually able to wrap her arms around my waist and touch her wrists. That was an awesome feeling for me. I can always tell when people have to stretch to  hug me and I could feel the room between my back and her hands. NSV for me! I fit in the "tinier that you thought she was in person's" hug! woohoo.

Off we went to find the nearest Starbucks to feed our caffeine addiction... then to Lowell, MA for the Diva Taunia Burlesque show... Although we got stuck in a bit of traffic and had to veer off and find a pit stop. the only one we wound required a purchase to use the John, so Beth bought a super yummy wrap that we split for dinner.

We eventually made it! Checked in to the hotel (which had a bar at the check in counter for those of us who apparently can't cope with vacation and must get loaded PRONTO) for the night and foursquare of course... got all sexified and back in the car.

The burlesque show was fun! Lots of nakedness and drunkenness for sure but we danced, transfer adictioned, took some photos and made the best of it :-)

At the show we met up with fellow Bad Girl Lynn V Sleeve (Band to VSG). It was so great to meet her and her hubby after talking to her for a the last few month on the infamous FB.

After the show I was hungry so I starting looking for some food to take back to the telle. Chili's - closed, outback - closed, 99 - closed..... ugh!!! Fast food - Cha-ching! Thank goodness for the dollar menu lol.

Back to the hotel had me a few bites of food and got sick as a dog! Fell asleep dumping... that's always fun!

I don't dump often even though it sounds like I do... but I still haven't figured out exactly what it is I dump on.

Day 2... Woke up early in the morning, around 9:30am and started to get ready for day 2. Day two we will call Transfer Addiction road trip. I am not ashamed to admit that I am a smoker. I have been since the age of 14. It is a habit I have tried kicking several times over but right now I feel it is much more important to work on my food addiction that my smoking one. All at once is just too much for me. Thankfully, like the amount of food I intake, the amount I smoke has decreased drastically since my VSG. I used to smoke a pack+ daily and I am down to a pack every 3 days. *pats self on back :-)

Considering a pack of cigarettes is $10 here in NY I
dragged Beth up to New Hampshire where they are half the price. But for some reason we couldn't find them anywhere!!!

Our travels led us to Nashua Nutrition, where we got some "pouchworthy" products as MM calls em. Best $20 I ever spent :-) I love love love their protein bars. It tastes like candy :-)

Our travels led us to a nice big liquor store, where we found some perty bottles.*

Beth enjoyed the pink tequila....

         

...While I enjoy the clearer, smother Don Julio!!

Our travels led us next to a smoke shop that I almost got thrown out of for telling the sales guy that his incense smelled like pot residue. Ugh, lets keep it all hush hush because no one knows that folks who walk into a "smoke shop" use all your glass blown pieces and "water pipes" for POT/WEED/MARIJUANA!! Seriously...

Finally we found what I went looking for and started to head back to Massachusetts. We bumped into Mr. MM on the ride home and before we knew it we made it back to Casa de Mr. and Mrs. MM. It was time to say goodbye (too soon - I contemplated stealing Beth and bringer her back to NY) but I had a looong trip still ahead of me. I got home at about 9:15pm and after a little facebook lovin' went to bed!

I look forward to my WLS Road Trip Part 2, which will begin Next Tuesday! Check in tomorrow for details because I want to see you!!!!

*** NOTE: No Alcohol was harmed during the making of this film :-)
Thanks to Mr. MM and family for loaning Beth to me for 24 hours! Thanks to Beth for making it so much fun!

xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Do You Feel Lucky Punk? Well, Do Ya?

"You are so LUCKY you had WLS this young!!"

I hear this line at least once a week... if not once a day from someone in our community. While I usually just agree, I really started to think about it over the last day or so. I don't feel lucky or special or like I hit the jackpot. Do you??

Personally, I feel.... cheated, obligated, and resentful. 

"But don't you feel lucky to be getting your life back?" Well of course I am HAPPY that I can walk, breathe live etc... But I don't feel LUCKY to have had WLS at 25 years old. I feel like I had to do this. My weight was so out of control that I had no other choice. I ate myself into this mess, then someone had to repo my organs to put me back into place. I'm 25!! I feel pathetic... and just sayin... I was 22 when I had my first surgery. 

I kind of envy the older folk out there who had a chance to have kids, bake fatty junk food with them, enjoy them, enjoy food with them. Maybe you are reading this and thinking to yourself I am nuts... maybe I am... But I wish I didn't need WLS to lose weight, to have a baby, to walk etc. BUT I DO... 

I love my sleeve and I am super thankful that I was given the opportunity to save my life. I just can't bring myself to feel lucky. So i wanted to throw this out there as find out what you think... do you feel lucky about your WLS?

I missed you all!

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie

A HEAVY Discussion...

So I just finished watching Heavy, the new A&E series and I wanted to share with you my thoughts. At first I was like ugh... Intervention meets Biggest Loser... I didn't really have very high expectations of the show to be honest.

Tom... WOW! He lost a whole damn person in 6 months even with the setback in month 2! Bless his fat soul! I have to say I was kinda shocked to hear his drive through order of 6 JUNIOR bacon cheezies and 3 spicy nuggets... It wasn't so much the quantity or whatever but the psychology behind it all... Yes I am a social worker and I perceive and analyze the world through those lenses. I am willing to bet he justified eating 6 burgers to himself by ordering junior size... Now me personally, I would rather order 3 doubles... bc my head would say, 3 isn't so bad but 6.... NO WAY! It's just interesting. I have been reading the twiterverse tag #HEAVY and damn people were ragging on poor Tom.

• Wow, Tom has a Bowling Ball made of FAT on his leg!
• If I get so fat that all I can wear is stretchy pants and tshirts please shoot me
• How does anyone let themselves get to look like Tom
• Tom is one HEAVY fat tub of lard

DAMN YA'LL!!! Give the man a break! Clearly he's got some addiction and emotional issues happening there! And please... get your self some edumacation... I hate ignorant people! I have to say towards the end of the show I was super proud of Tom and I feel some sort of connection to him. Probably because he is a fighter and so am I and I totally get the enabling family thing he's got goin' on!

Now Jodi... Jodi Jodi Jodi.... She pissed me the F**K off! She did nothing but whine the whole first half hour. She doomed herself for failure before she even took her first step of the damn journey. Now I can understand that but seriously woman... Have even a glimmer of hope before you give up. Its like starting a diet a week before a big party. You go in there knowing you are gonna fall of the wagon Friday night. Why bother to start a Journey with your head in the sand. She made one excuse after the next, her husband, her mother, her addiction... STOP IT ALREADY! Not that I'm not sympathetic but I don't want to hear about it. I can't pity those who pity themselves... Just not my style.

I did however feel a bit of connection to her when she broke into twoderville. That is something I have been struggling with for the last two weeks. It made me hopeful for myself for a second. (300.4 this morning!)

Then at the end she just pissed me off again... She said she did it the right way or the hard way or something to that effect.... through hard work diet and exercise... KISS MY BUTT!!! You did it because some camera followed your ass around for 6 months and paid for your gym membership, food and personal trainer. If I had all that I could do it too... But you don;t hear me complaining. I make my life work! I am doing it the hard way. Dumping, and vitamins and blood work and surgery and major food changes and exercise. That majorly bothered me... 

Overall... will I watch this show again... PROBABLY... Am I hooked and in love and inspired and motivated... Not even an ounce... Sorry... I was not that impressed.

For those of you who liked it and found it motivational and inspiring GREAT... just not my cup of protein shake.

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie

A&E Premiers... HEAVY

Oh look... Another series poking fun a fat people... Big surprise... A&E is known for everything from Interventions & hoarders to ghost and bounty hunters now losers.... Couldn't they just toss these people on the intervention show and call them food addicts... I mean hey, it wouldn't be a lie...

A&E is "Real Life. Drama." A&E is television that you can't turn away from; where unscripted shows are dramatic and scripted dramas are authentic. A&E offers a diverse mix of high quality entertainment ranging from the network's original scripted series to signature nonfiction franchises, including the Emmy-winning "Intervention," "Dog The Bounty Hunter," "Hoarders," "Paranormal State" and "Criss Angel Mindfreak".

Who am I fooling... I just set three alarms to remind me to turn this show on tonight.... I doubt I'll learn anything new but hey, ya never know? So If you want to know what the show it about...

FAT PEOPLE... In the premiere episode, viewers meet Tom and Jodi, both 37 from Houston, TX, and learn why they are heavy and how they must reverse their lifestyles or die. Tom was the star of his high school football team, but when he dropped out his depression caused him to steadily gain weight. Now, at 5-foot-9 and 638 pounds, Tom suffers from a myriad of issues including sleep apnea, edema and the inability to sleep more than two hours. He is desperate to get his life back before he loses it permanently. Having recently suffered a stroke, Jodi, 5-foot-6 and 363 pounds, is at a critical juncture with her health. Her heaviness prevents her from keeping up with her husband and two children and from her favorite pastime, singing with her brothers in a band.

The show takes each one of us on their contestants 6 week journey in which A&E tells us, they use healthy methods, like a diet program to lose weight... no WLS or Biggest Loserness involved... I will judge that for myself... thank you!

More on HEAVY, later!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

My Bariatric Revision

Obesity Help has given me the opportunity to write for the January issue of the OH Newsletter. I was given the task of writing about my revision. I didn't want to just share my story as I have done that in many places many times before... I wanted to share with you all my view on Re-Vision.... The process not just the steps... Below you will find the article....

MY BARIATRIC RE-VISION

by: Rachel Lebowitz LMSW

OH Username: Rachelena

I hate the number 350! I have looked at that same number on the scale day in and day out. Some days it would try to disguise itself by replacing the zero with a five or a seven or a three. Some days it would add a little dot with an extra number at the end, but for over a year there never was a difference in the first two digits. I was two years post Lap-Band surgery when I finally decided enough was enough. I had tried all the tips and tricks to break a “stall” from more water, to more protein, more exercise, to even more calories and no exercise! Nothing by itself or in combination seemed to move those dreaded numbers on the scale. Then one day the realization hit me. My band had taken me as far as it was going to. It was time for my revision.
 

My surgeon only performs the band. So I began my revision journey by selecting a few competent surgeons to interview for the job. I already knew I wanted the sleeve. I had done extensive research on all the major surgery types and decided the VSG was best for me. When I told my old surgeon I would be revising, he sent me over to his partner for interview #1, dubbing him as a “sleeve specialist”. This surgeon told me that I was a failure and would surely fail with the sleeve because like the band, it was purely restrictive. When I asked him how many sleeves he had performed, he told me, “Thirteen or so.” As the consultation went on, he berated me for my extensive research, as I refuted his constant attempts to persuade me into having the RNY. I didn’t appreciate his attitude and didn’t want to start my revision with a surgeon who didn’t believe in my surgery, so on I went to my next appointment. I eventually found Dr. Vohra, the man I entrusted with my band removal and sleeve surgery. Both the removal and VSG surgeries were successful, and by success I mean I’m still alive with no major complications. October 18, 2010 was just the beginning of my journey. Now comes my “re-vision.

You see, I had a realization not too long ago that I did not have a revision on October 18, 2010. I just had some surgery. It wouldn’t have mattered if it was a new band,RNY, a DS, or the VSG. It was all the same, just some surgery. Revision to me is more than just a change in my anatomy, it has become a change in my vision; a do-over of sorts. I knew that to be successful, I had to stop following the generally given rules and start writing my own. I began working on myself, and coming to terms with the reason my band relationship didn’t work out.

I started with the infamous post-op diet and my eating behaviors… re-vision number one. When I had my band, I was told no more than 800 calories, 60g of protein a day, eight cups of water etc., etc. You know the diet I am referring to. That was one of my problems, and I assume, one many of you share. We have all been dieting for years, only to “fail”, “fall off the wagon”, “cheat” or whatever you call it. This isn’t a diet my friends, this is our life, now and forever. I had to get out of this “all or nothing” diet mentality that I had grown so accustomed to.
 

Today, I view my eating habits as just that, HABITS. That old diet I described earlier, those are guidelines that helped mold my habits into my life. I drink my water and get in all my protein. But I also allow myself to have a bite of those “bad” foods when the occasion calls for it; holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. I DO NOT berate myself or feel like I “fell off the wagon”. I eat without guilt or shame. For me, this re-vision entailed taking an honest look into myself and figuring out why I eat the foods I do on both a psychological and biological level. The difference now is that I no longer allow myself to eat out of fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, or loneliness. I listen to my body and know that when I am craving chips and salt, I probably need water or when I want to dive into the sweets, I need to check my emotions first.

The next thing I had to change, was my view of my surgery. (Re-vision number two!) We are all told from day one that our surgery is a tool, not a solution. It changes your body not your brain. To be honest, I went into my band telling myself, the band won’t allow me to eat more than “x” amount of food, so I will be forced to eat less and lose weight. I have heard similar rationalizations from my peers. “I malabsorb my calories so that if I eat 1500 calories a day it’s like eating 800 and I will be fine and lose weight.” “If I eat one more bite, I will throw up and those calories won’t be digested, so they don’t count.” “If I skip lunch I can have some alcohol tonight with dinner.” These are nothing but excuses and are not productive ways of thinking. Our new anatomy has to become part of who we are. When I try to cheat my pouch, I cheat myself.
 

Re-vision number three is probably the hardest one. For me, this entails changing the way I feel about myself. I always said that I had this surgery to get pregnant, to be a better wife, and to get the job I want. While these reasons are still valid, they have become benefits only secondary to the real reason I had my surgery. I had my surgery because I AM WORTH IT! This time around, I had the surgery for ME and only ME. I am learning that it’s ok to be selfish. If I am not my best advocate, then who is? Who will be? I deserve to feel good, to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without gasping for air, to hike, swim, or dance. I deserve the life that I want and so do you! I had to make this decision in order to be successful. I am a food addict. I can’t quit to make anyone happy or I will fail and I will resent others for “making me” quit. It’s that simple. I couldn’t do it before because I was doing it for everyone but myself.

My last re-vision made me accountable. I know I have a tendency to trick myself into believing if no one saw it, it didn’t happen. So I try to log my food every day. Every bite I put into my mouth. I tell my support group when I have been falling back into my old habits. I attend many support groups and I run one. I use a tracking device which I have set to tell Facebook and Twitter how many steps I have taken during the day and how many calories I burned. All of these things keep me accountable. My newest project has become my blog. I call it “Bariatric Revisionary”. I admit things on my blog that I have a hard time admitting to myself, but if I don’t, I won’t succeed. I am not yet strong enough to be accountable to only myself. I don’t know if I ever will be, but I am grateful for the support.
 

Something that I believe very strongly in is the right to self-determination. This means that you get to determine your path. I believe we are all individuals with individual needs. Maybe you are the type of person who needs rules and structure to succeed. That’s great! I applaud you for knowing that about yourself. Maybe you are the type of person who cannot cut donuts out of your life. Ok, then learn how to make them pouch friendly.
 

Start 2011 out by getting to know yourself; what works best for you and your individual needs. Perhaps my vision on how things should be, make you think I am a rule breaker or a naughty post-op. I am not, I have just taken the time to figure out how to live my life so I can be who and where I want to be. I am almost three months post my VSG and I have lost 63 lbs for a total of 90 lbs since I had my first surgery. I feel alive, hopeful, successful, and HAPPY. My hope for you in starting this new year, is instead of resolutions, you make re-visions! I wish you all a happy and successful New Year!

I hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed sharing this with you!

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie

The Importance of Support...

For those of you who don't know me or may not have read my blog until today, let me take a brief moment and introduce myself. My name is Rachel aka Rachelena aka Sleeve Pixie, depending on where you know me from. I am an almost 3 year post op and a revision patient which I guess makes me only a 2.5 month post-op yet again. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt and a Social Worker. I have run a small tight knit bariatric support group for almost two years now and I love every moment of it. I am a strong believer in support.

We always here the term "support" in the WLS community and how important it is, but NO ONE ever takes the time to define what support actually means. According to dictionary.com...

SUPPORT –verb (used with object); 

1.

to undergo or endure, esp. with patience or submission.

2.

to sustain (a person, the mind, spirits, courage, etc.) under trial or affliction: 

3.

to maintain (a person, family, establishment, institution, etc.) by supplying with things necessary to existence; provide for.

4.

to uphold (a person, cause, policy, etc.) by aid. 

This is what we are supposed to do, right? To undergo with patience; to help sustain a person mentally or physically when they are down and to help a person maintain by providing education, ideas, love, support, friendship mutual aid etc...

I define a support group as a group of people that share a similar experience or situation. These people are able to motivate each other through the hard times and laugh with them through the good times. They do not judge them for the things they do that may not equate with the cultural norms and by culture I mean the group culture, in our case WLS. This system will generally share similar values and ideals about their situation. This is my idea of what a support group SHOULD be. 

There are 4 support groups I am active in. One, the one I run, Post-Ops Supporting Each other on  Long Island. POSE is a live support group that meets every other week. We share about our victories both on the scale and off and discuss our perceived failures. The group has a strong bond and trust one another enough to be able to motivate each other and confront each other when needed. While this is not by any means an educational group, it does serve its purpose to the members. 

The second group I participate in more of a social group. We are a bunch of people who get together for dinner once a month and enjoy the comfort of food in the presence of others who get it.

The third group I participate in is my surgeons support group. While I have only been going a short time, and I don't really appreciate surgeon run support groups, I believe it is important to give back. We have many pre-ops in this meeting and they look to us for advice. 

Lastly, the BBGC or Bariatric Bad Girls Club is an online support group with hundreds of people. The reason I cal myself a proud member of this group is because we share very similar values. Values I have not found anywhere else. The BBGC believes in reality. In the idea that THIS is now our life. Not some permanent diet we have to be on for the next 60 years. Yes you will notice our symbol involves a cupcake, the ultimate bad food... sugar, carbs and fat all rolled into one miniature cake. This does not symbolize a "badness" it symbolizes an awareness. An awareness of our food addiction, of what it took to get us here, of the reality that we all must live with on a daily basis. Some not nearly as rosy as mine or yours. 

The BBGC has been getting a lot of flack lately from all different sources because we believe its ok to eat a cupcake once in a blue or whatever your issue is with us. But for us, this is working. This lifestyle is what keeps us from being a suicide statistic or from regaining our weight. Many people don't believe its ok to make bariatric friendly "bad" food like donuts for example... but this is what keeps me away from the Dunkin Donuts drive through so WHY THE HELL NOT?

So if this is not for you, thats ok! Go find a group that is... and if there isn't one... do what I did and START ONE! There is plenty of room for all of us. 

There are many support groups in my local area and online that I do not and could not call myself a member of. Why? Because I cannot stand for the things they do or believe in or the message they put out as a group. Does that make them horrible... not necessarily. It makes them different. It makes them not for me. But maybe, for someone else, that is EXACTLY what they need. 

I hope in the year 2K11 you find yourself a group that meets your needs and that we can all start realizing that each post-op is an individual with individual needs and we need to stop prescribing a general condition for the needs of ALL bariatric patients on an emotional level.

In love and support,

Sleeve Pixie

Dumping: A Reality of the Gastric Sleeve

So here I am, 26 minutes before the ball drops... and I am sick as a rabid dog. It is official... I have been in denial of this fact for a a little over a month and a half.

I AM A DUMPER!!! 

In fact, I am dumping as I type this blog entry. I feel gross.... So I am going to keep this short and sweet and go lie down.

The Mayo Clinic defines dumping syndrome as....

...a group of symptoms most likely to develop if you've had surgery to remove all or part of your stomach, or if your stomach has been surgically bypassed to help lose weight. occurs when the undigested contents of your stomach are transported or "dumped" into your small intestine too rapidly.

Generally we hear amongst the WLS community that sugar, carbs and fat will cause this to happen. For me this is true. I ate way too many carby audervs took 3 sips of alcohol and  topped it all off with pudding pie for dessert. I know, I know not the greatest choices but I am of the belief that this is not a diet but my life so if I want to eat pudding pie with my family on New Years Eve, then I am gonna do it! I am also going to accept that I will have to pay the piper for my actions. Believe me, I am not bitching. I am just telling you this happens.

The Symptoms of dumping may include all or some of the following:

1. Cramping or pain

2. Nausea

3. Diarrhea

4. Vomiting

5. Sweating

6. Fast Heart Rate

7. Tiredness

From the things I hear from my bypass friends... everyone experiences it differently. I get nausea, fast heart rate and tiredness.

Many surgeon's websites etc will tell you us sleevers don't dump because our Pylorus is preserved which is supposed to hold the food in our bananas but I have heard of many sleevers experience dumping. Last I checked it's about 3%. But that statistic is word of mouth and I have yet to find a study to verify that.

There is nothing, that I know of, you can do to stop the dumping episode once it's starts. You just have to wait it out and it will eventually pass. It is the worst feeling EVER!!!

I just wanted to throw that out there. It is NOT just bypassers!!! It is now 3 to midnight and I must go kiss my hubby for New Years.
Happy New Year!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Dr. Amen... Scam Artist or Revisionary?

So this morning I awoke to a post on my Facebook feed in which Melting Mama Challenged us to take a quiz with her. The quiz was written by Dr. Amen or at least his clinic people.

"Daniel G. Amen, MD is a physician, child and adult psychiatrist, brain imaging specialist, bestselling author, Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association and the CEO and medical director of Amen Clinics, Inc. (ACI) in   Newport Beach  and   Fairfield, California, Bellevue, Washington  and Reston, Virginia." 

 He also happens to be someone who's work I very much respect. I have heard him speak before and I have briefly studied his findings in grad school in my abnormal psychology class. He takes scans of his patients' brains and reads the scans of each person to determine a specific course of treatment for each individual. He works very heavily in the addictions field as well as with the elderly population and ADD children and adults.

There has been much talk of whether Dr Amen is a scam artist or "the real deal" but I am here to talk about neither. The reason I highly respect his work is not because of the ground breaking nature, but because of the ideas and principles behind it. I spoke in a previous post about weight watchers changing their diet plan every 5 seconds or so and how for some, the old plan works better and for others, the new plan works better. Why? Because everyone is different.

Dr. Amen does not see his patients as addicts or old or ADD, he sees them as people; As individuals, and knows for each individual person there must be an individual treatment plan. If you have 10 patients addicted to cocaine, I can guarantee you that NA alone, will not work for all 10. It may work for 2 or 3. Maybe 4 or 5 of them need to go to an outpatient treatment program first. Maybe some of them need in patient treatment for 30 days or 6 months in order for them to find the strength/motivation to stay sober. Each Person is different. The circumstances that drove them to begin using cocaine is different as is the amount they use, who they use with etc etc etc. So why would you think "one for all and all for one". We are not musketeers, we are people!

The same with a food addict or compulsive overeater. We didn't ALL get to the surgeons office because we sat at McDonald's our whole lives. Some of us did... many of us weren't even fat our whole lives. Go figure?

Personally, I was born 9lbs and nothing has changed. Every single person in my family is over weight on both sides or has been at one point in time. Genetically I was screwed from conception!! But my genes aren't the only reason I am sitting here writing this blog... I have learned behaviors that got me here as well. For example, I used food as a reward AND a punishment. Whenever I was younger my grandmother, whom I lived with, used to tell me, "You're Punished!" My punishment was always to watch TV or rent a movie or eat or something enjoyable. She never did this maliciously or with the intent of making me 391lbs, but that message has stuck with me throughout my life. In my family, for graduations and birthdays and anniversaries, we go out to eat which taught me that food is something you do when you are celebrating. It's not conscious, by ANY means... but it is what it is.

Maybe for you, your parents wouldn't let you have dessert until you licked your plate clean. So you joined the "clean your plate" club. You stuffed yourself to the gills, expanded your stomach just for a few cookies or a piece of cake. Do you still do that?

For those of you who eat in secret... you have your little candy stash in the night stand by your bed or the drawer at work or maybe even the glove box in your car? I am willing to bet when you were younger your parents told you you couldn't have candy and junk food so you would sneak it. You would stop at the corner store on the way to or from school for that $0.25 candy didn't you? You don't have to tell me. But you know your own scenario. Even if you don't realize it yet.

So if our beginning scenarios are all different, then why should our treatment be the same? Why is it some patients make it out relatively OK with no therapy and some lose their damn minds?! Why do some make it to goal and stay there forever and others regain, revise, and restart?

We are all different. Sit down today and figure out why you walked into your surgeons door. Not because you were sick on 500 medications couldn't walk etc etc... While those are valid reasons for having surgery those are just symptoms. Those reasons wont keep you on track. Figuring out where your behaviors come from, dealing with them if they need to be dealt with and changing your thought patterns and actions forever will!

xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Ps. If you are interested in Dr Amens quiz you can find it on Melting Mama's Blog :-)