Dear Obesity...

Dear Obesity,

There is honestly nothing dear about you... We first met at my birth. I was over 9lbs. Big baby! We continued our "friendship" throughout my childhood. I was cute, chubby, but not yet obese.

You started to rear your ugly head in about 2nd grade. You showed your red flags. I didn't know yet that you would be abusive. It started slowly. At first, you made my peers laugh at me and call me names. You started to isolate me.

Then you made me feel like a ton of bricks when my family couldn't carry me around anymore. They told me I was a big girl. Back then I thought it meant "grown up" but now I know I was wrong. As more time went on you made me feel insecure and weak. You made me think I was the problem. I wasn't... YOU were.

You cheated me. Robbed me of confidence and sense of self. I hid behind many masks as a young kid. Big frumpy clothes was a big defense for me. I hid you because I was ashamed of you. My shame only fed you and made you stronger. You stole away my summers. I never wanted to wear a bathing suit. Even in camp, the pool was torture. I believe everyone was staring at me, mocking me, mocking you...

My family tried to save me from you by sending me to fat camp. It helped in a way. You still controlled my body but I got back my mind. I found the confidence you snatched away from me all those years ago. I no longer looked at the floor when I walked through the crowds at school. I no longer wore baggy clothes and started to try new styles. As hard as I tried to overcome you... I failed... So many times I failed...

Things were a little better in high school. I didn't let you stop me from making friends or playing sports or even the occasional date. But you still continued to make things rough. People still made fun of me. You made me a doormat. I did everything for everyone. I had to work harder to make friends because you made it so hard for people to even want to give me a shot.

At the age of 16 you started to gain control again. Remember, it was the day you stopped me from riding the roller coaster. I gave up a big part of me to you that day. You took my BF next when he told me he no longer found me attractive. You stole my prom away from me. My date was a female friend. You took away my comfort every time I sat down to eat in public, every time I looked at a chair or a booth or a bathroom stall. You robbed me of the freedom of doing all the things my friends did because you instilled in me a fear that told me I couldn't.

The worst came when I met my now ex-husband... thanks a lot for that btw... You robbed my marriage blind for years. You made me wear a machine over my face each night when I went to bed. You stole from me 2502 nights that I could never sleep in his arms. You stole from me... the abilty to cook him dinner and the ability to clean our house. But there was nothing worse then you stealing away my ability to give him a child.

As much as you stole from me, the worst part of it all... I completely let you... Eventually my ex got tired of being robbed and so did I.

I made the decision then and there you wouldn't be allowed to control me anymore. You wouldnt tell me not to walk there, sit in that chair, get on that amusement park ride, talk to that guy, buy that dress, go to the beach or anything else you never allowed me to do. You are no longer allowed to make me feel bad or ugly or shameful. I now know that I am beautiful and worthy of more then you ever allowed me to have. So good bye obesity. I am taking the keys and getting in the drivers seat of my own life. FOR GOOD!!
 
Since I've let you go, I've walked... the Brooklyn Bridge and the runway. I've rode the roller coasters in Las Vegas and Coney Park. I've spoken to that guy... and that one and that one too, while wearing that dress on the beach! With all this new found control over my life... who knows what I'll do next!
 
xoxo
SleevePixie
 

Sleep Apnea and Weight Loss...

Yep... that was me (no not literally). I could fall asleep anywhere,
doing anything, even mid sentence sometimes.

I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea in the summer of 2004 by my mom, of all people lol. She had already been diagnosed with her sleep apnea and was sleeping better with the use of her CPAP. One morning I went up into her room to talk to her about something and I remember, she was sitting at the desk on the computer chair in her room and I flopped on her bed... Somewhere mid convo, I fell asleep (as I always did when my apnea was at it's worst). When I woke up maybe 5 minutes later my mom was sitting there staring at me (kinda creepy - love you mom) and she said to me, "Rach, you have sleep apnea. I want you to make an appointment with the pulmonologist and go for a sleep study." 

I was so upset... The idea of having to sleep with that mask and look like Darth Vader every night was unfathomable, but at the same time I remember feeling relieved that this almost narcoleptic behavior I was exhibiting may stop! After all, I had already fallen asleep behind the wheel twice, both times with other people in the car. The first time I almost hit an 18 wheeler and the second time I was woken up by flashing police lights pulling me over for switching lanes without signaling. 

So I went for my sleep study and sure enough, as much as any child HATES admitting their parents are right, my mom was right. The second sleep study was my fitting for my mask and CPAP setting. I think that night was the best night of sleep I have ever had! I start sleeping with my new CPAP... 

Fast forward.... June of 2011, right after my separation, I decided I didn't want to wear my CPAP anymore. There were many reasons for this decision. The two main ones were... 

•  It was always a thing in my marriage that my ex-husband would kiss me good night and put my mask on before we went to sleep and I just couldn't wear it because every night I put it on myself I'd fall asleep crying thinking about him... 
• I was going to start dating again... Who the hell would want to sleep next to Darth Vader... Oh yea because that's uber SEXAY!! NOT! I wasn't doin' that sorry.... 

The first couple of months were great. I was awake and feeling great and had a ton of energy. I felt a new freedom from sleeping with the machine on my face every night. Then I bought a new fitbit... It was all downhill from there...
You guys remember my fitnit... Awesome tool and the new version comes with a step counter! Check out my review here.

I started tracking my sleep with the fitbit and here is what I found... Out of the 6 hours and 9 minutes I was "asleep" I only got 3 hours and 6 minutes of ACTUAL SLEEP!!!!

Ugh, guess that means I still need my machine after all... I fought the idea for another few months until other things started happening...

First, I started getting tired again. I would fall asleep when hanging out with my friends. Then, I started to notice no matter how much I slept I never felt rested. Then I started working... My new schedule was enough to push me over the edge. I fell asleep at work!

There was one more thing I noticed. I was no longer losing weight? Could the two be correlated?

Lose weight while you sleep. It sounds like something you'd hear on a late night infomercial -- just around the time you are reaching for that bag of cookies because, well, you can't sleep.


But as wild as the idea sounds, substantial medical evidence suggests some fascinating links between sleep and weight. Researchers say that how much you sleep and quite possibility the quality of your sleep may silently orchestrate a symphony of hormonal activity tied to your appetite.

In fact, have you ever experienced a sleepless night followed by a day when no matter what you ate you never felt full or satisfied? If so, then you have experienced the workings of leptin and ghrelin.

But Pixie, you had a VERTICAL SLEEVE GASTRECTOMY... You don't have Ghrelin anymore!?! Nope sorry my friends... Here is where you are wrong. Although the main producer of Ghrelin is in the cells lining the fundus of the human stomach and epsilon cells of the pancreas (Which I HAVE had removed), ghrelin is also produced in low levels in the pituitary gland, which I still have!

Interesting side fact I found while doing some research... In fetuses, it seems that ghrelin is produced early by the lung and promotes growth.

Leptin and ghrelin work in a kind of "checks and balances" system to control feelings of hunger and fullness, explains Michael Breus, PhD, a faculty member of the Atlanta School of Sleep Medicine and director of The Sleep Disorders Centers of Southeastern Lung Care in Atlanta. Ghrelin, which is produced in the gastrointestinal tract, stimulates appetite, while leptin, produced in fat cells, sends a signal to the brain when you are full.

So what's the connection to sleep? "When you don't get enough sleep, it drives leptin levels down, which means you don't feel as satisfied after you eat. Lack of sleep also causes ghrelin levels to rise, which means your appetite is stimulated, so you want more food," Breus tells WebMD.

I finally decided to start using my CPAP again... New problem, My new skinny face was too small for my face mask... In order to avoid leaks I was wearing my mask way to tight and I was waking up every morning in pain with horrible marks on my face. The skin on my nose was broken. Even though I was losing weight again... The pain was enough to make me stopped wearing my CPAP again.

Nasal Pillow

The guy I have been dating, who also happens to work for a respiratory supply company, did a little research for me and he found my answer! He told me to purchase a Nasal Pillow. They are little gel cusions that you place over your nose under your mask the prevent breakage of the skin. They can be purchased online in pink or blue for $17 plus tax and shipping. I bought one immediately and it has been a life saver! It makes my face mask much more comfortable and my nose is all healed. I no longer wake up in pain and I feel much more rested in the morning. I am going to track my sleep with my CPAP this week and I will keep you updated! I hope some of you find this helpful if you are struggling like I was.

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie

I Need Air... Especially at Night!

Last night was the first night I decided to try and sleep with out my CPAP. I wanted to see with the monitoring of my Fitbit, how many times I woke up...

I was diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea after I fell asleep behind the wheel and almost hit an 18 wheeler.

"Obstructive sleep apnea is a potentially serious sleep disorder in which breathing repeatedly stops and starts during sleep. Several types of sleep apnea exist, but the most common type is obstructive sleep apnea, which occurs when your throat muscles intermittently relax and block your airway during sleep. The most noticeable sign of obstructive sleep apnea is snoring, although not everyone who has obstructive sleep apnea snores." ~Mayo Clinic

I was 19 when I was diagnosed. I was dating my husband at the time and hated the thought of having to wear this full faced mask. I was embarrassed in front of this guy who I really liked. I didn't know if he thought I'd be a freak. The thought of never being able to fall asleep in his arms killed me. Starting this new relationship this way was just no fun. Yep I worry.... A LOT!

Luckily for me, he was super supportive! He made me wear the mask every single night. He would even put it back on when I ripped it off in my sleep. It took a lot of getting used to, but eventually it became routine. Now that we are married for over five years, I still hate the stupid mask on my face, but it has become a ritual for me and my husband. Every night when we are ready for bed my husband comes to my side, kisses me goodnight and puts the mask on for me; Just like he did when I resisted wearing it. It's become sort of a romantic gesture in our lives believe it or not. Talk about turning a negative into something beautiful!

Last night I decided to try to sleep without it... I only woke up twice without my CPAP. I am exhausted today, so I know I still need it, but I did wake up with out any of the side effects like the horrible headache that pounds every time you move and the dizzyness from not getting enough oxygen at night.
This is what my sleep report looked like on my Fitbit page today! 99% sleep efficiency without the machine... Maybe there is hope that one day I will no longer need the thing.

To Our Health,
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie