Dear Obesity...

Dear Obesity,

There is honestly nothing dear about you... We first met at my birth. I was over 9lbs. Big baby! We continued our "friendship" throughout my childhood. I was cute, chubby, but not yet obese.

You started to rear your ugly head in about 2nd grade. You showed your red flags. I didn't know yet that you would be abusive. It started slowly. At first, you made my peers laugh at me and call me names. You started to isolate me.

Then you made me feel like a ton of bricks when my family couldn't carry me around anymore. They told me I was a big girl. Back then I thought it meant "grown up" but now I know I was wrong. As more time went on you made me feel insecure and weak. You made me think I was the problem. I wasn't... YOU were.

You cheated me. Robbed me of confidence and sense of self. I hid behind many masks as a young kid. Big frumpy clothes was a big defense for me. I hid you because I was ashamed of you. My shame only fed you and made you stronger. You stole away my summers. I never wanted to wear a bathing suit. Even in camp, the pool was torture. I believe everyone was staring at me, mocking me, mocking you...

My family tried to save me from you by sending me to fat camp. It helped in a way. You still controlled my body but I got back my mind. I found the confidence you snatched away from me all those years ago. I no longer looked at the floor when I walked through the crowds at school. I no longer wore baggy clothes and started to try new styles. As hard as I tried to overcome you... I failed... So many times I failed...

Things were a little better in high school. I didn't let you stop me from making friends or playing sports or even the occasional date. But you still continued to make things rough. People still made fun of me. You made me a doormat. I did everything for everyone. I had to work harder to make friends because you made it so hard for people to even want to give me a shot.

At the age of 16 you started to gain control again. Remember, it was the day you stopped me from riding the roller coaster. I gave up a big part of me to you that day. You took my BF next when he told me he no longer found me attractive. You stole my prom away from me. My date was a female friend. You took away my comfort every time I sat down to eat in public, every time I looked at a chair or a booth or a bathroom stall. You robbed me of the freedom of doing all the things my friends did because you instilled in me a fear that told me I couldn't.

The worst came when I met my now ex-husband... thanks a lot for that btw... You robbed my marriage blind for years. You made me wear a machine over my face each night when I went to bed. You stole from me 2502 nights that I could never sleep in his arms. You stole from me... the abilty to cook him dinner and the ability to clean our house. But there was nothing worse then you stealing away my ability to give him a child.

As much as you stole from me, the worst part of it all... I completely let you... Eventually my ex got tired of being robbed and so did I.

I made the decision then and there you wouldn't be allowed to control me anymore. You wouldnt tell me not to walk there, sit in that chair, get on that amusement park ride, talk to that guy, buy that dress, go to the beach or anything else you never allowed me to do. You are no longer allowed to make me feel bad or ugly or shameful. I now know that I am beautiful and worthy of more then you ever allowed me to have. So good bye obesity. I am taking the keys and getting in the drivers seat of my own life. FOR GOOD!!
 
Since I've let you go, I've walked... the Brooklyn Bridge and the runway. I've rode the roller coasters in Las Vegas and Coney Park. I've spoken to that guy... and that one and that one too, while wearing that dress on the beach! With all this new found control over my life... who knows what I'll do next!
 
xoxo
SleevePixie
 

What is your New Years Resolution?

Enter December, the month for gift giving and receiving, for joy and charity and family. For some its a month filled with weight gain, drunk stupidity and/or relationship drama. It is also known as the Month when people start to think about their "failures" for the year and make resolutions to fix their real or perceived inferiorities in the year to come.

Making a resolution in my opinion, accomplishes one of two things. One, its is a just a way to shut your guilt up. If you feel guilty for not going to the gym enough, you say on December 30th... "SELF, in 2011, we are going to go to the gym 4 times every week!" Then you tell all your friends about your resolution and they nod and smile and some may even be honest enough to say, "Oh I wish I could do that too... but... I can't commit to so many times a week," but in all of their heads they are thinking... BULL SHIT! That Bish aint gonna last more than 2 weeks!

Two. It's a way to rationalize your behavior over the holidays. If you want to eat your piece of cake over the holidays, you will rationalize every bite with the stupid New Years Resolution. "Oh, I can totally eat the double chocolate fudge cake because I'm gonna go to the gym in 4x a week in 2011." "I can totally get wasted every night between Xmas and New Years Day because, well, obviously calories consumed during holiday season don't count. Besides, I made that resolution to hit the gym and burn off one drink per hour 4x a week in 2011."

Now let's get real! You and I both know... if going to the gym was THAT important to you you wouldn't wait til you were hungover on January 1st to go, you would go NOW! If you wanted to quit smoking, join weight watchers, the gym, have surgery finally, get that fill in your band etc etc etc you would do it NOW! Stop using your BS Resolution as your get out of jail free card.

A New years resolution is like starting your diet on Monday... Did you know there are 52 Mondays in a year? You are setting yourself up to fail ad feel horrible about yourself for not sticking to your resolution.

Instead of resolutions this year how bout we do something different. How bout we say to ourselves... This year, It is ok to gain 10lbs in the month of December. I will allow myself 3 bites of anything I want or a whole friggen piece of whatever I want and it wont mean I am a failure in life, WLS, weight watchers etc...

For 2011 lets set goals. Go right now and get a pen and paper..... I'm waiting.....
Got it?
GREAT!

Now write on the top my 2011 Goals.
Did you write it?
Good!

Now make a list of 3 goals you would like to accomplish this year. JUST 3!
Start each goal with the words... I WOULD BE SO HAPPY IF...
Make sure to skip a few line between each goal.
Here are mine....
1. I would be so happy if I weight less than 300lbs
2. I would be so happy if I was more active
3. I would be so happy if I got a social work job working for a bariatric surgeon/program

 We started by saying "I would be so happy if..." because that doesn't commit us to anything, doesn't berate us if we don't follow through, doesn't allow us to use it as an excuse or make a promise to ourself. Its just a simple statement of this is what would make me happy. Maybe, just maybe, your happiness will be a motivator.

Now go back to goal 1. Under your goal write... I can (insert goal here) if I (insert 2 activities here).
Do this for all three goals.

1. I would be so happy if I weight less than 300lbs

    I can weigh less than 300lbs if I measure my food daily and log my calories, carbs and protein daily.

2. I would be so happy if I was more active

    I can be more active if I walk the dogs with my husband and get a gym buddy.

3. I would be so happy if I got a social work job working for a bariatric surgeon/program

    I can get a social work job in a bariatric program if I get my resume together and send it out.

Now what you have done is implemented a reasonable plan to attain your goals. One more step... Go back to goal 1 and on the next line under your plan write.... If I don't (insert goal here) then (insert feeling, reaction here).

1. I would be so happy if I weight less than 300lbs

    I can weigh less than 300lbs if I measure my food daily and log my calories, carbs and protein daily.

    If I don't weight less than 300lbs then I will feel like a failure at surgery part 2 and resent my surgery.

2. I would be so happy if I was more active

    I can be more active if I walk the dogs with my husband and get a gym buddy.

    If I don't become more active, it is likely that I will not reach my first goal. 

3. I would be so happy if I got a social work job working for a bariatric surgeon/program

    I can get a social work job in a bariatric program if I get my resume together and send it out.

    If I don't get a job in a bariatric setting then I will get a job somewhere else. 

Now you have a goal, a plan to implement the goal and a motivator because you know you don't want to feel xyz or have reaction abc happen. For me. I have 5lbs to lose til I'm in twoderville so I know/assume goal 1 will happen eventually. I know if I don't get more active it is likely I wont reach goal, wont feel good about myself etc etc... If I don't land my dream job right now, which is possible I wont because most surgeons wont hire me til I reach goal, then I will have to settle for another job. These are my motivators. This is what I want to accomplish in 2011.

I hope you find this helpful to having a more meaningful 2011.

Happy New Years!

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie, LMSW!!!! 

PS.... For those of you who don't know, I have been MIA for the last 2 weeks studying 8-10 hours a day for my Licensing exam. I passed my licensing exam and I am now a Licensed Social Worker! What a great ending to 2010!!!