Today I went to my surgeon for my 3 month post op check-up. When I walked into the office all the staff ooh'd and aaah'd at my weight loss. I was so nervous yet so excited to get on the scale. I realized that my scale has been broken for about a week now so I had no clue what I weighed. The big question was looming over my head... Had I broke the 300 mark and entered twoderville?
As I got on the scale my heart was pounding... I was preparing my self for the disappointment of still being over 300lbs as I watched the numbers... 305, 290, 300, 298, 299, 299.6, 299.5... and it stopped... I screamed!! My surgeon came running in to see what the commotion was. He opened the door and said, "Why are you yelling? What's going on?" So I screamed back at him "299!!!!!!" He laughed at me and walked out. Apparently the whole office heard me scream because as I walked out everyone asked me if I was ok. haha. I was in shock! I couldn't believe it!!
Next I had to see the surgeon... he looked over my chart and blood work and asked me how much I weighed when I first started seeing him. 364, I told him. He was very happy with my progress. Then he said... NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, I WANT TO SEE 199. I seriously thought he was joking. I asked him if I would have to wait a year for my next appointment. to which he replied... No... 6 months from now you are going to be 199.
WHAT! Let me reprocess that... 6 months from today, 180 days from now, you expect me to lose 100lbs... be in ONEDERLAND??? NO FUCKING WAY!!! Then the fear set in....
As I left the appointment and text messaged everyone I know, I kept hearing it... 6 months... 100lbs.... 6 months 100lbs.... 6 months ONEDERLAND!!! Then came the next thought... Ok what can I eat right now...
Why does this happen to me? I am successful, then I want to eat carbs and fat... I will tell you why... The thought of success scares the living daylights out of me. The thought that this surgery might actually work and I might actually be able to reach 199lbs and have a baby and get a job scares the crap out of me. So I do what any normal person does... I sabotage myself.
Thankfully, I caught myself starting to travel down this all too familiar road early on. I caught myself before I was able to get a hold on the carbs and fat I was going to use to demolish my success. I promised myself that just for today I won't sabotage and see how it feels... I am still scared. I'm not gonna lie... I'm petrified of being successful. As I'm typing, I wonder if that success is what makes some of us go crazy. But that is a whole different topic. Maybe I will hot on that tomorrow...
For now I am going to stay focused on being successful. I am going to face my fears head on and see how it feels. I have a feeling I'm gonna like it!
To our success!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie
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