Closing the Chapter to Begin Anew

Hello everyone... I know its been  along while since I've posted on here... or anywhere for that matter... But here I am. A lot has happened in the last few years...

I have moved my office... Expanded my practice and realized it is time to close the chapter of SleevePixie and Bariatric Revisionary once and for all.

I have been toying with the idea for a while now and I really miss the day to day interactions with you all and the fun raffles and things i used to do for you all.

So today, I close the door to open a new one!!! Rachel's Comfy Couch... the practice I opened 4 years ago while you all read and cheered is going strong! It has a new home on Long Island and now it's time for a new blog!!

Please dear read friends new and old... Join me at "Tales from the Couch"!
Below you will find the links to the new Facebook page and the new blog.

Rachel's Comfy Couch - Facebook Page
Tales from the Couch

Things you can look forward to on the new blog and page... Therapeutic wisdom and insight from me, funny pictures, recipes, Questions, guest bloggers, and more! Topics will include, Weight Loss Surgery, depression, anxiety, relationship issues, therapy modalities, trauma talk and anything else you ask for :)

I look forward to seeing you there.

xoxo
SleevePixie

Dear Obesity...

Dear Obesity,

There is honestly nothing dear about you... We first met at my birth. I was over 9lbs. Big baby! We continued our "friendship" throughout my childhood. I was cute, chubby, but not yet obese.

You started to rear your ugly head in about 2nd grade. You showed your red flags. I didn't know yet that you would be abusive. It started slowly. At first, you made my peers laugh at me and call me names. You started to isolate me.

Then you made me feel like a ton of bricks when my family couldn't carry me around anymore. They told me I was a big girl. Back then I thought it meant "grown up" but now I know I was wrong. As more time went on you made me feel insecure and weak. You made me think I was the problem. I wasn't... YOU were.

You cheated me. Robbed me of confidence and sense of self. I hid behind many masks as a young kid. Big frumpy clothes was a big defense for me. I hid you because I was ashamed of you. My shame only fed you and made you stronger. You stole away my summers. I never wanted to wear a bathing suit. Even in camp, the pool was torture. I believe everyone was staring at me, mocking me, mocking you...

My family tried to save me from you by sending me to fat camp. It helped in a way. You still controlled my body but I got back my mind. I found the confidence you snatched away from me all those years ago. I no longer looked at the floor when I walked through the crowds at school. I no longer wore baggy clothes and started to try new styles. As hard as I tried to overcome you... I failed... So many times I failed...

Things were a little better in high school. I didn't let you stop me from making friends or playing sports or even the occasional date. But you still continued to make things rough. People still made fun of me. You made me a doormat. I did everything for everyone. I had to work harder to make friends because you made it so hard for people to even want to give me a shot.

At the age of 16 you started to gain control again. Remember, it was the day you stopped me from riding the roller coaster. I gave up a big part of me to you that day. You took my BF next when he told me he no longer found me attractive. You stole my prom away from me. My date was a female friend. You took away my comfort every time I sat down to eat in public, every time I looked at a chair or a booth or a bathroom stall. You robbed me of the freedom of doing all the things my friends did because you instilled in me a fear that told me I couldn't.

The worst came when I met my now ex-husband... thanks a lot for that btw... You robbed my marriage blind for years. You made me wear a machine over my face each night when I went to bed. You stole from me 2502 nights that I could never sleep in his arms. You stole from me... the abilty to cook him dinner and the ability to clean our house. But there was nothing worse then you stealing away my ability to give him a child.

As much as you stole from me, the worst part of it all... I completely let you... Eventually my ex got tired of being robbed and so did I.

I made the decision then and there you wouldn't be allowed to control me anymore. You wouldnt tell me not to walk there, sit in that chair, get on that amusement park ride, talk to that guy, buy that dress, go to the beach or anything else you never allowed me to do. You are no longer allowed to make me feel bad or ugly or shameful. I now know that I am beautiful and worthy of more then you ever allowed me to have. So good bye obesity. I am taking the keys and getting in the drivers seat of my own life. FOR GOOD!!
 
Since I've let you go, I've walked... the Brooklyn Bridge and the runway. I've rode the roller coasters in Las Vegas and Coney Park. I've spoken to that guy... and that one and that one too, while wearing that dress on the beach! With all this new found control over my life... who knows what I'll do next!
 
xoxo
SleevePixie
 

Passover... a Bariatric Post-op Lesson

Passover is probably my most favorite Jewish Holiday. To all my Jewish readers... wipe that look off your face! Yes I enjoy 8 days of matzah brei and nescafe. lol

I was thinking about this today while i was driving to work before I had  my coffee. Not sure what made me think of it but here it goes...

Passover is a holiday in which we celebrate the exodus from Egypt. We as Jews went from being slaves for 210 years to being free and the whole holiday is very symbolic. During the first two nights of the holidays we hold a feast which is a called a Seder which means order for those of you who don't speak Hebrew. It's a very organized event.

Everything we do, eat, say is very symbolic. We talking a lot about the idea of going from being slaves to free (wo)men. We drink wine and lean to left like kings while drinking and eating.

So I could take this one of two ways... One is the obvious of going from being a slave to our bodies, a slave to food, a slave to disease and then having surgery and being free but that while that's a lovely comparison, that's not where I am going tonight...

I was thinking this morning as I was driving about the concept of eating after weight loss surgery. We go from being slaves to our bodies and food to being... well... slaves to our bodies and food. How sad is that? Some of us are slaves to the scale while others become slaves to calorie counting or exercise or the worst of all... DIETING!!!

I have talked about this a lot in the past... NO MORE DIET MENTALITY!! One of the things I love about Judaism which hits home particularly during certain holidays is the idea of moderation. Jews can do anything but with moderation. We can eat, but not certain things. We can drink but only certain drinks. We can drive and play on facebook and watch TV etc but only on certain days... There is a time and place for everything. Even things we are not supposed to eat, drink and do are permitted under certain circumstances. Nothing is every 100% forbidden. I LOVE THIS!

On passover, we eat in excess, we drink in excess we act like kings for two nights out of the year. We don't feel guilt about it or shame. We are supposed to be excited and full of joy! So to in our post-op lives. I can't tell you how many patients I see that struggle to find balance in their post-op lives. There is a fear of eating certain foods,like a bite of cake, wearing certain clothes, like a bathing suit, going certain places like to a booth in the restaurant. Stop being afraid to live your life! It's ok to eat a bite or two of cake on some occasions! It's ok to show off your new body at times! It's ok to try new experiences and feel good about them! Learn moderation and let that replace the constant diet mentality or abstinence mentality if you will. Everything is ok under certain circumstances.

To me that is the message of Passover. So tomorrow night, I am going to eat a little too much, drink a little too much and feel like a Queen! No guilt, no shame and no self loathing. I'm not cheating, falling off some imaginary wagon, or being a bad girl. I am living life.

I hope you can all experience life the way I have learned to!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

I Don't Deserve It... Do I?

A few nights ago I was having a convo with a good friend of mine (Who is having her sleeve as I type!), and she said to me (talking about her upcoming surgery), "I still can't believe it's gonna happen. I feel like something will come up and prevent me from doing it last minute."

My reply to this was to tell her that what she is feeling is normal. Most of us who are overweight for one reason or another have this internal dialogue that tells us we don't deserve good things.

As we continued on talking about this topic I recalled to her a few times in my life I have felt this way. The most recent time I remember feeling this way was the night of my wedding. I recall walking down the aisle on December 1, 2005 thinking to myself, "OK this can't be happening. Who is gonna stand up and object to the marriage? When is Aryeh going to realize he doesn't want to do this?"

Then I told my friend about a time when I was young, couldn't have been more than 5 years old... My school used to take us to the park around the corner to play because the school had no gym. I remember walking down the steps of the school outside on the way to the park thinking to myself, "I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe I am getting to go to the park. This must be a dream." AT 5!! A small little innocent 5 year old... I already didn't think myself worthy of good things. In case you were wondering, yes I was overweight at 5 years old.

Now days, I don't really struggle with this so much. I do feel i deserve good things and happiness. I don't know if that is a result of the weight loss or the counseling I did after my divorce or just a shift in the universe. I doubt the latter. So I wanted to blog this morning and throw this out to you. Have you ever srtuggled with thoughts like this? do you still struggle? If not, what changed for you?

I am very much looking forward to your comments this morning!
xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

A Word on Body Image

Body image is an issue that comes up often in our community. Frankly, it is something I struggle with in a different way than many men and women in our community. I never knew how big I was. I knew I was wearing big clothes and needed big sturdy chairs, but when I would walk down the street and see a person who in retrospect was probably smaller than me I would think, "I'm not THAT big. Am I?" It wasn't until the night before I started my pre-op liquid diet, a week before the lap band that it all came tumbling down like a ton of bricks. I had asked my husband to take before pictures of me. So I put on a tight pair of sweatpants and a tank top so I could really see what was going on and he snapped a full frontal and side profile shot. When I asked him to see the pics, I nearly died. Who was that humongous woman in the camera. There was NO WAY that was me. Not a chance right? It was me.  

      

This was me at 391 lbs. My heaviest ever. 

While this was the image the camera  was showing me that night...

This was the image I was expecting to see in the camera... size wise anyways.  

Me at 350lbs

So now here I am 273.5 lbs as per my 6 month surgeon checkup today. Skin is starting to hang, I have scars from 3 surgeries and I have an opportunity to be really down in the dumps about myself. I my back fat is starting to hang, my boobs are deflating... Ok... you get the picture. I LOVE MY BODY! Yep, I said it... LOVE! I can stand in front of the mirror frontways, sideways and I will tell you what I see.

1. My butt looks fabulous!
2. my body has a shape that is curvy but sexy and I no longer look like a beached whale. 
3. I look good in clothes. 
4. My legs are starting to form shape.
5. My arms have a muscle or two. I am not even bothered by that hanging skin below the line that defines my muscle because three years ago that arm was solid filled out fat! 

Do I see the scars, heck yea! do I see the skin and the imperfections... OF COURSE! I am a woman after all lol but they don't bother me. It is all about perception ladies (and men... guys have this drama too)! When I had my lap band surgery my husband said, "Hunny, you could use wheat germ oil and those scars will go away." To which I replied, "HELL NO! Those scars are my battle wounds! One day I will be able to tell my babies that all these scars and hanging skin were so I could hold them in my arms!" I still feel that way two surgeries later. My inner thighs may look like a sharpei dog one day, but I did it all to have a family. There is no such thing as a perfect body. Everyone has a mark or imperfection they wish they didn't have or something that makes them a little self conscious. We imposed these imperfections on ourselves! Ladies, would you EVER say you wish you didn't have children because now you have stretch marks? My guess is HECK NO! Take a moment today to remember why you had your surgery. Then go get naked and stand in front a mirror and love those battle wounds! Take pride in those imperfections! Maybe you are lucky enough to have the money for plastics, but guess what, that leaves scars. BIG ONES! Everything is a trade off. 

Stand in front of the mirror today and only give yourself positive messages. You may not believe those messages today or tomorrow but one day you will be able to see yourself as beautiful. I see you as beautiful!! 

Love yourself today!

xoxo

Sleeve Pixie

Question of the Day! Answer for Some....

We have all had our ups and downs with Weight Loss Surgery. My question to you today is this... If you knew then, what you know now, would you change anything? 

If so, What would you change?

I would change my surgeon. My first one... I wish I had gone to someone who offered more options than the band. I may have chosen differently. But hey, everything happens for a reason right?

Post below and I will send 2 of you Click samples! 

NYC - MY Walk from Obesity!

This weekend I invited myself to "Obesity Online", an invite only conference for WLS bloggers and vloggers. The conf was held at the Mondrian hotel in SoHo, NYC. While the conference was a room full of 20ish social media moguls, most of whom I knew in one form or another, I am not going to write about that in depth.

The things that happened outside of the conference are what matter to me. The people, the support, the community are the reasons I pushed to be at the conference.

The conference featured some of the higher-ups in the WLS professional circle. Joe Nadglowski, President of the OAC, Robin Blackstone, MD, President Elect of the ASMBS, and Melissa Lierman, a social media expert! We spent the day talking about obesity, advocacy, surgeries, social media and had a few debates along the way.

After the conference some of my friends and I walked around the city. We ate, we laughed, we got lost and found all in one day! I walked more this past weekend then I have in the last two weeks combined! The most amazing and meaningful part of this weekend for me was Yesterday... Every part of my day was both fun and meaningful.

We started our day off with a windy walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. When the cab dropped us off at the entrance on the Manhattan side, I felt both excitement and panic at the thought of this adventure. I didn't know if I was going to make it all the way across but I was excited to try. Then the panic set in and I was afraid if I got stuck half way through, there was no way out. I feared getting stuck and being in pain like I would have been just months ago.

Half way through the bridge!

The support I got from my friends, who promised me they would walk slow and not leave me hanging and push my from behind if needed was amazing! They were my cheer leaders the whole way through. The walk was actually quite easy. I didn't HAVE TO stop to catch my breathe or sit down because I hurt. We had so much fun! We took pics of buildings and graffiti and each other and just had a blast!

When I reached Brooklyn, I couldn't believe it! I DID IT! I walked the Brooklyn Bridge! 1.13 miles and we didn't stop there! We walked to Grimaldi's Pizza Place to find them closed then continued walking to Bubby's for Brunch.

After brunch we hopped the subway back to Manhattan. Another NSV! I didn't have to walk through the turn-style sideways, for the first time in 10 years!! I was amazed and on cloud 9! I think I still am! The walk continued....

Next a few of us headed over to the Museum of Sex! What fun we had!! I walked through 3 floors of exhibits, took pictures and had fun in the goody shop! Walking on...

Next, 24 hour fitness for some protein shake yumminess! I got a strawberry banana smoothie with some whey protein and man was it AMAZING! When we left there I had already walked over 4 miles and over 10,500 steps! It was only 4pm! The last leg...

We headed back to the hotel to hang out and say our goodbyes. At the end of MY Walk... I got the most amazing prize... My life! It's not promised for forever but yesterday I grabbed it by the balls!

xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Is Half Way to Nowhere Still Half Way?

Is half way to nowhere still half way? What a question huh? Well here is what prompted today's post... I posted on Monday on my Sleeve Pixie page on Facebook that I just realized I now have lost more than I have to lose.. So I have officially passed the "half way" mark with regard to my weight loss. While this is an amazing accomplishment and i do not want to diminish my success in any way shape or form, the words half way started to get to me.

There has been a lot of talk in out community about regain and maintenance lately and many people do struggle to maintain their loss. Regain is a harsh reality for us and something everyone will face. Your regain may be a as little as a pound or as much as everything you have lost, plus some.

Maintenance is not a goal, or destination on this weight loss journey, it is merely just a service station along the highway of life. So from here I ask again... is half way to nowhere, still half way?

While generally this is the time where i give you some advice, words of wisdom, answer to the question etc., today I am not going to. Like everything else I believe you have to decide what the best answer is for yourself! So friends, tell me!

xoxo
Sleeve Pixie

Thought For Today... Happiness

We think being thin will make us all better... Skinnyness is like money... While they may both bring us superficial things their opposites cannot, they will never give us true happiness. Happiness is found within what we have. So if you are just starting your journey or if you are broke, find something about YOU, on the inside that makes you happy!!