Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I Don't Deserve It... Do I?

A few nights ago I was having a convo with a good friend of mine (Who is having her sleeve as I type!), and she said to me (talking about her upcoming surgery), "I still can't believe it's gonna happen. I feel like something will come up and prevent me from doing it last minute."

My reply to this was to tell her that what she is feeling is normal. Most of us who are overweight for one reason or another have this internal dialogue that tells us we don't deserve good things.

As we continued on talking about this topic I recalled to her a few times in my life I have felt this way. The most recent time I remember feeling this way was the night of my wedding. I recall walking down the aisle on December 1, 2005 thinking to myself, "OK this can't be happening. Who is gonna stand up and object to the marriage? When is Aryeh going to realize he doesn't want to do this?"

Then I told my friend about a time when I was young, couldn't have been more than 5 years old... My school used to take us to the park around the corner to play because the school had no gym. I remember walking down the steps of the school outside on the way to the park thinking to myself, "I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe I am getting to go to the park. This must be a dream." AT 5!! A small little innocent 5 year old... I already didn't think myself worthy of good things. In case you were wondering, yes I was overweight at 5 years old.

Now days, I don't really struggle with this so much. I do feel i deserve good things and happiness. I don't know if that is a result of the weight loss or the counseling I did after my divorce or just a shift in the universe. I doubt the latter. So I wanted to blog this morning and throw this out to you. Have you ever srtuggled with thoughts like this? do you still struggle? If not, what changed for you?

I am very much looking forward to your comments this morning!
Sleeve Pixie

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