Sunday, May 15, 2011

I'm Letting Go... Of ME!

I thought you were my friend.
I thought you were my comfort.
I tried to lean on you.
But you almost took me under.
It's taken all my will.
It's taken all my prayers
To get me here
To get me here from there

I'm getting free at last.
You're nothing but my past.
And im not going back
To how it used to be
When you had your hold on me.
I'm getting free at last.

You know what to say.
You know just how to temp me.
Whenever I give in
All I feel is empty.
I'm tired of hating me
and living with no pride.
I'm letting go of you.
I'm letting go of you.
I'm taking back my life.

I'm getting free at last.
You're nothing but my past.
And im not going back
To how it used to be
When you had your hold on me.
I'm getting free at last.

No more looking in the mirror
At someone I dont recognize.
And now without you
I can see who I am
Who I've always been inside.
~Dan Evans, Letter to My Addiction

We all have addictions in our lives we have let go of or desperately need to let go of. For some its certain foods. For others it may drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping, sex, a friend/partner/family member, work, drama etc etc etc. No matter what you have yourself caught up in, I ask you... Why are you still holding on? What is it about this substance that has you like a fish on a hook. You need it! Want it! Enjoy it! Whatever!! 

Some of us hold on because of a physical grip. Withdrawal is never a fun process. Some of us hold on because of an emotional connection to a thing, person or behavior. Some of us hold on because the fear of "the change" is still greater than the pain of the situation. Yet others will hold on because they think it makes them strong. There is this idea or myth even, that there is a strength about seeing the end of a road as opposed to veering off the path. It's just not true! 

I read a quote this morning and clearly it's been on my mind... “Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” — Herman Hesse

This weekend in Vegas has been more than trying for me on many levels. I have had some personal turmoil and I have had to let go of some people in my life. Dear friends, who meant the world to me. While I am devastated on multiple levels this is not what drove me to sit down and blog today. 

Today I am struggling with letting go of a part of myself. A part of myself I have grown to know and love. My carefree innocence in a world  of professionalism cannot co-exist with my new "grown-up" life. I made a choice a few years ago that when I graduated with my masters and got my license I was going to give back. I was going to use my education to better the lives of other bariatric post-ops. I consider myself to be on the road to career success. Bare in mind that my definition of success may vary from yours. I am not talking about monetary success. I am a licensed mental health professional. That to me is success!

So here I am. Struggling with wanting to be me. All of me! The good the bad and the ugly. Trying to figure out which parts of me must go and which parts can stay... I will keep you updated as I figure it out :-)

Sleeve Pixie

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